Everything About Me Is Wrong

I don’t talk much about my depression in day-to-day life. I don’t talk about it here, and I don’t talk about it in RL. Sometimes on my LiveJournal, though I’ve tappered off over the years. If there is one thing I have learned in this life, is that people don’t want to hear about the sad. Most of the times when I do talk about it, I either get no response at all or a dismissive “things will get better” or “keep your chin up”. I know people think they are helping, however they are not. Anyway, my therapist thinks I really need to learn how to disclose to people and talk about things. Thus, I am going to try to do so. I’ll start in the written format, since I’m most comfortable there, and hopefully it’ll build into face-to-face stuff. I hope my disclosure helps people. I hope somewhere out there people can relate. And if not, well, it’s my blog so it doesn’t really fucking matter ayway (only it does, though I try to tell myself it doesn’t).

Today I would like to disclose that I feel like everything about me is wrong. Even the things I like about myself are wrong. I feel a constant separation from the world at large. I know, I know, everyone feels isolated and alone but we’re really not and if we could just talk and love one another then everything would be okay. I call bullshit on that one. As a 26-years-old (Is that the right way to write that? I can never figure it out.) woman who doesn’t drink, doesn’t have sex, doesn’t adhere to gender roles, is married to man who doesn’t adhere to gender roles, comes from poverty, and is an anarchist and humanist, I call bullshit. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet someone? To make friends? I know, I know, everyone has problems meeting people, yet on the fundamental levels (at least, the levels we’re taught are fundamental) I don’t fit in. I don’t go out with people for drinks, I don’t hang out in bars like most people my age, I don’t like alcohol. I think it’s poison. I can’t hook up with my girlfriends to share tales about meeting men or having sex. I don’t think anyone’s life should revolve around matching up, and I really think there is more to life than having sex. That is not to say I think people are wasting their time, I have no judgment on how someone else lives their life, I just can’t relate and share and form friendships over it because it is foreign to me.

I find it near impossible to have friends which are married. It seems the only thing these people are concerned with are having kids, getting 9 to 5 jobs, buying houses, and trying to make a nuclear family. I’m not interested in that. I know every married person in the world isn’t doing this, just every married person I’ve met. Ha! Anyway, I don’t prescribe to any of that stuff. I’m not interested in having children, a day job, a house or living in a “typical” family environment.

Anyway, I won’t address every detail. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I do want to point out that ontop of this stuff, there is a level of intolerance in our Society. Everyone seems to hate someone for something. Discrimination is build into our every day language to the point where most people don’t realize it anymore. However, I do. I recognize it all the time and when I point it out, I feel as though the response is that I’m just being crazy PC. My husband thinks he is being all good male because he says he doesn’t like it when a woman wears make-up. Well, dear husband (and I tell him this too), it’s really not any of your business what a woman does with her body. Of course he concedes and acknowledges this, however if it would have been any other person things likely wouldn’t have gone so smoothly. Especially one who isn’t open minded. I know that I don’t /have/ to say things to people when they’re being discriminatory. Yet, I feel it is my duty as a human being who cares for other human beings to stand up against what isn’t right. I’m not an activist per se, I just believe for “evil” to win all it takes is for good people to stand around and do nothing.

So yes, my strong convictions cause me to be apart from the pact. I know there are many bloggers out there who talk about this same thing. How they are accosted for being too PC. It’s a hard knock life. Let me go even further. I have these “fundamental” things that keep me separate, I have these convictions that keep me isolated, and I have this profound sadness that makes it near unbearable to be in the world. I watch this discrimination that is built into our world, the way people scapegoat one another and hate and destroy and tear apart, and it literally breaks my heart. I feel the weight of it in my body. Every time. I just want to tell people if they stop, if they just stop pointing fingers and accept everyone’s autonomy and allowed people to make mistakes and be wrong than so much sadness could be erased. I’m not saying it would end all discrimination, that would be silly. I do think it would make the world a happier, more loving place though. And yet I cannot say these things, because I come off like a preaching, self-righteous, jerk.

So the world hates me. The world hates me because I am fat. The world hates me because I am Jewish. The world hates me because I do not want to be a mother, because I will not assume my role as “the wife”, because I refuse to bond over hating my body and diet-talk. The world hates me because I believe people should be able to kill themselves if they want and because I think patriarchy kills souls. The world hates me for so many things, and yet this wouldn’t be so traumatic if I could love myself. The world hates me for being a victim and for not picking myself up by my bootstraps as fast as they deem appropriate. Yet, I feel like I can’t and still live in the world. I feel in order to appreciate who I am, I would have to become a hermit and move away from all the hate people sling at one another. Because when anything semi-liquid is slung, there is back splash and spray and it gets on me and makes me hate myself. I hate that I can’t connect with people, or that I have to choose between connecting with them and being who I am.

So I am left with the same question that has been plaguing me for years, what is left, what do I do? If I can’t even find love for myself, or the goodness in the world and people, what the hell is left?

Racial Identity

As many people are aware, February is Black History Month. Now, I’m not down for a specific month or day which celebrates a particular minority. To me, that’s like saying the minority shouldn’t be recognized the rest of the time. It’s a sign that we still have so much work to do and that so many people are unaware of the implications of race in our society. My husband just told me that he didn’t even know racism and slavery existed before he moved to America. He was born and raised in Ukraine, coming over to the States at age 14, and never even saw a person of color before. He also likes to harp on me about how it’s more about culture, than about race, as that’s what he was taught, but we’re getting there. He’s starting to see more and more. Anyway.

For Black History Month our local university, Portland State, held a big event. There was a speaker and Soul food and some local artists. It was pretty amazing. Well, the artists were. It was during this event, or rather the three or four times I welled up with tears, that I realized I identify most with the Black culture. Don’t misunderstand me. I am not Black, that I know, and I will never understand what it is to be Black. However, we do share a lot of the same issues. Perhaps it is because I grew up in the South, and while us Southerners have a reputation for not being the most racially accepting people we still were at the forefront of Slavery. I’m not bragging about that. My point is that something good did stem from the horrific act of Slavery. The South is very well populated with Black culture. I speak of Atlanta specifically, which is where I was born, though Georgia is not the only Southern state by far to have a large Black population. This means all my life I was in the Black community. Black people were my neighbors, my friends, my lovers, my companions. And while my family is racist, despite their insistence otherwise, I never was. Instead, I saw a culture which was like home to me. The same way I feel about finding Judaism and asexuality, as though it is where I belong.

This realization is terrifying to me on so many levels. I know when people look at me they see a White woman. Though this is not how I see myself, I am not blind or stupid. And thus I wonder if this culture that I find at home in will find a home with me. Will people accept me? Will I be allowed to make friends, participate, commiserate, love? I think this is something I was trying to express in my Feminism, Privilege, Race and Other Stuff post. I have come to understand that “White People” who don’t just allow racist jokes, or racist policies, or racist whatever to pass us by without comment or assistance to change are generally not the “White People” being spoken about. I think that is what Black writers mean when they say “White People” shouldn’t feel ashamed or as though they’ve sinned. However, it becomes really hard to remind one’s self that they are not being included in a general subset like “White People” when one knows that they are seen as a “White Person”. When I read line after line about what “White People” do that is racist, or unhelpful or prejudicial, it becomes really frustrating. I am flippantly and sarcastically told that I deserve a cookie if I mention that I am not one of those “White People”.

And I understand, I do. I represent a race that has dominated, oppressed, tortured, ridiculed, shamed, murdered, raped, and so many other offenses I can’t even count, the Black race and many other races. I understand that there is a lot of emotion and tension built up on the subject. I understand that I can’t see every racial oppression and that things that affect Black people won’t affect me. However, I want to be able to stand with the people I love and feel the most connected with and fight the battles that need to be fought. When I put my fist in the air as a symbol of revolution and empowerment, I hope that the people of color around me will know I mean it with all my heart. I hope I will be able to show that I’m not just another privileged White Person trying to save the brown women from the brown men. I’m not a missionary trying to convert.

Does that make sense to anyone else? I know I will always be seen as White, because that is what my skin color says, even if my heart and soul speak differently. Is there a place in the world for someone like me?

The Diet-But-Not-Diet Trend

I’ve noticed a trend within the fatosphere lately. Maybe it has always been there, and my being new resulted in it going unnoticed before. It was mentioned before in my Creating Community post; “it” being the whole hierarchy between the good fatties and the bad. More and more I’ve noticed entries which discuss healthy eating, which hold food as moral character indicators, and posts outlining how the authors needs to incorporate more physical exercise into their life. To me, these things sound oddly similar to a diet. The regulation of food, the insistence on exercise, the weighing of what foods should and shouldn’t be eaten. And while there is also mention of listening to one’s body and enjoying the exercise, something inside of me is struggling.

Perhaps it is because every time I read these posts I feel as though I am not doing my part to represent the fat world. I am not trying to eat healthier, and by that I mean trying to choose mostly vegetables and whole grains or exclude soda. I do not exercise, and I do not want to. I don’t really enjoy the whole physical exertion thing. There are some things I’m doing, such as eating less meat or taking an Omega 3 supplement, though none of these things are to be healthier. And I worry, if I am judging myself based on these entries and deciding whether or not I’m a good fattie, what are these things doing to the writers?

Am I way off base here, folks? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill or are more and more fat acceptance blogs concerned more with being healthy (It seems they all follow HAES as well) and fat than just acceptance of all fat?

Conform to beauty standards, or…

Someone on one of my blogs recommended Manolo for the Big Girl because it was funny. I decided to add it to my feed in order to evaluate for myself. Then one day I came across a post where Plumcake asks what big girls who don’t dress “chicly” are afraid of. This upset me. It is yet another person calling out those who “don’t fit” and trying to make them feel ashamed and broken. It’s another hierarchy being created. Oh yes, we here at Manolo for the Big Girl are fat, but we’re “fashionably” fat because we do our hair and wear cool clothes and buy high heeled brand named shoes. Just like the healthy fattie discussion. Anyone who doesn’t adhere to this is obviously just coping out. There is no excuse not to dress up and look good! What is wrong with /you/?

Needless to say, I removed the feed and was going to leave it alone, especially after reading the comments which all rang in about how horrible it is not to dress nice and look one’s best. I wanted to leave it alone, but the post kept rising up in my thoughts and causing me to get upset and even more offended. So I returned, and saw that Plumcake had received an outraged response to the post and then asked her readers what they thought. Again, more comments about how shameful and inferior women who didn’t follow fashion were. There was even a comment associating how a woman dresses to her house not being clean enough to accept guests. I mean really folks, have we regressed to the 1900s here? I know the role of women has changed, and the work isn’t done, but we have made a lot of progress and this just breaks my heart.

I admit I posted a comment, which was likely too emotional and not logically sound. I hate letting my emotions get away from me, yet I couldn’t leave it alone. I encourage you ladies to voice your opinion of the situation, either here or there. I do not want to encourage any flamewars or nastiness, so please don’t go there to do that, just honest, open communication about this subject.

Creating Community

Lindsay over at Babble-on wrote a rather interesting (if lengthy) post concerning whether or not the fatosphere could be a community (and while I would normally link to this, Lindsay has decided to remove her blog. She will be sorely missed.) based purely on the definition of community. It has earned a couple of readings from me.

I am usually a lurker in the world. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I don’t really enjoy disagreeing with people. There are a lot of reasons for that, but it is another blog post altogether. So I generally don’t feel very “accepted”, as it were, into the fat acceptance/activist community. I also find that while I read a lot of the blogs, and they’re extremely well written, touching, and all that, I don’t really relate. As I’ve told Lindsay before, I am often the minority of the minority, something I like to refer to as 1%ers. While I understand that not everyone agrees with everyone else, usually though, people are able to find their group. I haven’t found mine yet. Anyhow, to my point.

I created this blog in order to create a sense of community in a way. I want it to be both accepting and political. I am an asexual, poly, married, fat woman who tries to live naturally and loves animals. However, you don’t have to be any or all of that in order to be here. I believe in the freedom of speech, the right of religion, and limiting the government. Yet, I welcome all opinions and thoughts. That doesn’t mean you can go on a tirade. I won’t allow people to be attacked or insulted, but conversation, debate, discussion, etc., are all welcome no matter what your stance is. Whether you’re fat or thin, dieting or not, a vegetarian or meat-lover, you’re welcome here. I post what I’m interested in, what intrigues me, thoughts I have, but that doesn’t mean I believe only my beliefs and thoughts and ideals are acceptable.

I want to provide an ear for people, a forum, a connection, because there is so little of that nowadays. So whether you’re just looking to have a shoulder to cry on, someone to connect with on a certain idea, advice on what to do with a lover or friend or parent, or just to read and explore, then please feel free. I’m open for any questions you may have, and I hope that my readers will be as well (though they have the option not to be, of course).

There was also a post by Big Liberty concerning being a Bad Fatty Revoluntary. I like this. I see a lot of posts on the Fat-o-sphere feed, and The Fat Liberation, about being healthy. Healthy this, healthy that, healthy, healthy, healthy. I don’t really prescribe to this mentality. Though I don’t knock it, it’s just not my cup of tea. I believe a person should be able to smoke, drink, drug all they want to. I believe we should be able to eat whatever we want, exercise or not, have sex or not, basically do whatever the hell we want without getting shit for it all the time. Yes, I do understand that we’re all interconnected. I don’t believe in hurting someone while we’re doing what we want, this isn’t about anarchy or complete chaotic freedom, it’s about autonomy and choice. I am likely a bad fatty. I don’t exercise, I like soda, I eat processed food. I’m not telling everyone else to do these things, just letting you know that I am one of “those” fatties. However, I still deserve to be treated with respect. My health is none of anyone else’s damn business. However, if you’re a health fatty, you’re more than welcome to be here.

There are a lot of issues I’m uncertain of. I don’t know if I agree with HAES. The concept sounds good to me, but I’ve been hearing a lot of negative things about the people who advocate this type of lifestyle. For instance, there was a post on Fat Lot of Good concerning Linda Bacon’s Health at Every Size Book. A commenter claimed to have attended a seminar by Linda and made a couple accusations (please read the comments to find out). Linda’s response was not very promising to me, and so I reiterated those questions only to have LInda respond that she would not “join the fray”. I admit I am confused by this. An advocate of the HAES movement refusing to discuss what she teaches. There was another review on the Fatosphere, which I can’t find now but if someone wanted to link to I would greatly appreciate it, which discusses the book “Eat Well”. Which is another pusher of vegetables, whole grains, and whole foods. I tend to find these things incredibly classist and completely against the concept of HAES and FA. I don’t understand why people in the movement are trying to define, yet again, what is acceptable fat and what isn’t. I’m trying to do more research, but I am leaning towards a No. However, if you’re a HAES practicer, you’re welcome here and I hope you’ll chime in when I get things wrong or am confused on issues.

I’ve gotten a little wordy, as I tend to do. Bottom line, everyone is welcome here and everyone’s opinions and thoughts and conclusions need to be respect. We may not agree, but we can still support one another.

Chelsea Lately Guest “Ruby”

There has been some discussion throughout the FA community about the show Ruby on the Style Network. I haven’t watched the show, nor do I want to. I don’t think I’m ready to face that kind of message, being so new to the FA world. However, Ruby’s interview with Chelsea bothered me, especially when it came to the discussion of her boyfriend.

Apparently Ruby’s boyfriend from the show dumped her because she was unable to lose weight. Ruby went on to say that she doesn’t blame him because men are more partial to the physical, they can’t help it and that’s the way they’re born, and so her boyfriend couldn’t get over the physical. She also states women are more nurturing. It seems like the Style Network went out and found the most accurately media-defined woman and gave her a show. What do I mean by accurately media-defined woman? I mean the women that are portrayed in every television show, book, movie, and newspaper article. It’s the woman who is completely convinced that the world’s “truths” are absolute and has never considered to question otherwise. It’s the woman who has been trained to fit the universal gender role, and thinks this is the way it is supposed to be. It is the woman who hasn’t even considered accepting herself for who she is but instead believes in fitting in at all costs. It’s just sad folks.

Ruby really does seem like a lovely person. She comes across, in the interview at least, as sweet, loving, and caring. Yet, I can’t help but wonder how much of that is really her and how much of that is what she thinks she’s supposed to be. I don’t know about anyone else, but when a person has such a large part of herself defined by other people, it makes me very suspicious. I also wonder if she’s exhibiting those traits as a way to make up for how much she weighs. This thought really breaks my heart. Perhaps it was because only a short while ago I was extremely similar to this woman. I was ashamed about my weight and would have done anything to get rid of it. While I had learned to appreciate some of my untraditional beauty, there wasn’t more than a second that went by when I wouldn’t have traded it in to look like Pam Anderson or Angelina Jolie. What I wouldn’t give to be able to just put that first inkling of self-acceptance in these women’s heads. I wish I could be the spark. I understand truly how empowering that spark can be.

So I’m thinking about starting an email campaign for Ruby. I encourage everyone to go to her blog and leave information about FA and Intuitive Eating. Go to the show message boards and share information about Health at Every Size. However, please remember to be extra special polite. We are likely going to face a lot of resistance and debate, and possibly even some trolls. I do not support fighting fire with fire though. I believe in non-violent communication and resistance, which means do not respond to snark with snark, leave sarcasm out of your discussion posts, and ignore any intentional bullying. Stick to the fact, stick to being supportive and helpful, and don’t waste your time arguing with people who honestly don’t care what you have to say they just want to discredit you.

I think this is a great opportunity to share our FA with people who likely haven’t been exposed. Ruby has great charisma, and she can relate to the general population of woman out there. The same women we want to reach with our message of hope, love, and acceptance.

Feminism, Priviledge, Race, and Other Stuff

I am Jewish. My people were ostracized, murdered, raped, beaten, enslaved, starved, branded, insulted, and completely out of control. My people still are murdered, raped, beaten, branded, insulted, discriminated against and they still have little control. In America, we are still without the ability to worship as we wish and not be made to feel ashamed. Jewish slangs still run wild, statements of a false messiah still shoved in our faces with “In G-d We Trust” on the currency we’re forced to use, a court system which requires us to swear on The New Testament to show our truthfulness, and the inability to wear our religious symbol, the Star of David, without being called heretics or witches. It is not okay to be Jewish in this society.

I am Native American. My people were enslaved, beaten, raped, murdered, starved, insulted, ostracized. They were forced off their lands and made to conform to the ideology of the settlers. They were stripped of their religion, clothing, education, social structure, and in essence, everything and forced to conform to ideals which they didn’t believe in. In America, we still are without these basic rights packaged into the “American Dream”. We live on reservations, and are “given” land out of the goodness of the government in which we can “be free” as we were all those years before the settlers came.

I am Fat. My people are insulted, beaten, raped, ostracized, and publicly ridiculed. We are lab rats where scientists strive to medically “fix” us, and shame into hating our very existence. We mutilate, torture, starve, neglect, and otherwise abuse ourselves, even when our captures stop, because we are told that we are wrong. We go out into the world every day and know people cross the street to avoid being around us, that women rush home to vomit what they’ve eaten because the idea of being us is terrifying, and that we are considered diseased.

I am a Woman. My people are insulted, beaten, raped, ostracized, regulated, enslaved, branded, starved, and have little to no autonomy. We have been subjected to this for ages. We have no say so over what goes into our body, nor what comes out. We are schooled to believe we cannot exist without a male counterpart, and that if we dare try to go against this education then we deserve whatever happens to us. We are ignored by the medical community, and any illness that just happens to pop up is considered due to hysteria, lack of childbirth, lack of marriage, lack of make-up, lack of hairspray, lack of femininity.

I am a Human Without Sexual Orientation. I am not attracted to a specific gender or sexual reproductive organs, I fall in love based on the soul attached to the body. My people are ignored at whatever lengths are necessary. If, by chance, we force attention upon ourselves then we are beaten, raped, murdered, insulted, and pushed back into the shadows with every fiber that people can muster. We cannot share intimate gestures with our partners, unless our couplehood can be seen as heterosexual in nature. Our lovers cannot match their bodies to their souls without being questioned, regulated, violated, governed and “allowed”. We cannot be who we are without being put under a microscope, studied, prodded, and analyzed.

I am Poor. I live below the poverty line. My mother and father do, my grandparents do, and my entire family line does. My people are ridiculed and punished. We are unable to find the stability to know when our next meal will come, if we will have water to bathe our children before school or to groom before finding a job. We are unable to get help without being made to feel as though we are lazy, worthless, and a drain on society. We are accused of using our children to weasel money out of “good citizens” when we simply cannot afford birth control or do not believe in it. We are uneducated and cannot keep up with the rising demand of degrees in the job market, and therefore are left without adequate pay to support ourselves and our families. We sometimes have no homes and are forced to rely on the kindness of strangers, when those strangers are taught to hate and fear us. We are pitied instead of helped, and ignored instead of understood.

I am also White. This racial identity cancels out the other elements of who I am. I am simply White. At least, that is a lot of what I am hearing from folks. Despite the fact I come from a long line of persecution, suffering, and minorities, I am still White. I am told that I should seek absolution every day for the things my ignorant, hateful, and wrong ancestors did and the things people of my race still do. I am told to be ashamed of my race, because we are granted privilege and freedoms. I am told I will never understand what it is like to be judged based on the color of my skin, and I will never know hardship or misfortune. I am told that everyone is colored by their individual privileges but mine is the worst of all, simply because I was born the way I was.

I am not denying that my race has privilege. America was built on the White ideal. I am not denying that I will never understand what it’s like to be a WOC (Woman of Color). I am not denying that some fucked up shit happened due to some fucked up white people, and I’m not denying that our world is still fucked up.

I am denying being ashamed. I will not be ashamed of my race. I will not spend every day making absolution for the things my forefathers and current fathers (and mothers, and brothers, and sisters and folks I would never want to be related to me in any way) do. I will not feel less simply because someone who has similar characteristics to me does things I do not agree with. I will stand with my fist raised to fight against any wrongdoings I see. I will stand with my White sisters as they fight to put down the apron, be equally compensated for their work, live a life where they are free to be unmarried and/or without child. I will stand with my Black sisters as they fight to live in a neighborhood without violence, to rally against the beauty ideals set down by their oppressors (as if white women have a hard time conforming then black woman aren’t even given a chance), to become educated and accepted in the professional world, and to gain every right that a White person has. I will stand with my Latin sisters and Chinese sisters and Russian sisters. I will stand with my Men who fight to be able to show emotion other than anger and power, who want to wear dresses or “feminine” colors, or want to raise children.

I will stand and I will fight.

So please, stop telling me I should be ashamed of who I am. Stop telling me I do not want “you” in my fight and that I do not include you in what I’m fighting for. Please stop making accusations about who I am and what I am about without knowing me. Please stop grouping me into a stereotype. I understand when you say “white” you really mean “Middle Class White” or even “Middle Class White Man”. I understand you are angry and frustrated. I understand that you are wronged and feel left out. Instead of lashing out at me, insulting, persecuting, please embrace me and let me embrace you. Please join hands with me and fight with me against my oppression and allow me to fight with you against yours. Please remind me of my ignorance when it happens to flare, and let me remind you that suffering is not exclusive to race, religion, gender, or ability.

I will fight with you, I will fight for you. I will listen to your hurt and shame and fury. I will be there for you and I will do whatever I can to become educated, to self-realize, and to alter my thinking process, actions, or misstep if needed. I promise to celebrate you, if we can celebrate our differences.

Just please, stop hurling accusations at me for things I do not do, for things I cannot control, and for people I do not associate with. Please stop believing we are all the same, and that our intention is to misuse, misunderstand and ignore you.