In The Election Aftermath

I’ve refrained from posting about politics. Mostly because everyone else is talking about it so much, I was sick of it, and thus I’m sure a lot of others are sick too. I did vote and it was for Obama. I wanted to vote for a third-party candidate, because I wanted to speak out about the two party system our country seemed to be focused on, but this was such a pivotal election. I was terrified McCain would win, and I would never forgive myself if I didn’t vote for a party that had a chance of being elected. So there you go. I did experience a couple things on Facebook which I wanted to share with you all.

To protect people’s privacy, I’m going to call my friend Gandalf, who has two other friends: Shelob and Sauron.

Gandalf just donated his status to get out the vote for Barack Obama on Nov 4. Donate your status: http://causes.com/election/26350696?m=773350e e.via Causes – 8:55pm

Shelob at 9:05pm November 2
Unless you want to vote for LIFE, then pick someone else.

Gandalf at 9:17pm November 2
I don’t know that the whole pro-life/pro-choice debate is even worth having. Regardless of whether or not Obama or McCain is elected, neither one has the direct power to reverse Roe vs. Wade, so I’m not sure it particularly matters where they stand on the issue either way. Regardless, the whole abortion debate… it’s a fundamental belief a person has, and no matter how many convincing arguments you cite to support one side, the other side has equally convincing arguments to support theirs. The only difference is people on either side have chosen to weight one set of arguments more important to themselves than the other. No debate will change that.

Instead of the polarizing “YOU WANT TO KILL BABIES” vs “YOU HATE WOMEN AND ARE DENYING THEM THEIR RIGHT TO CHOOSE” argument, can we not agree instead to debate something more constructive, like how to lower the number of unwanted/teenage pregnancies?

ME at 4:01am November 3
I love you Gandalf and I think you make a good point. However, since you don’t have someone else dictating what you can and can’t do with your body, I think you can easily take that position. The problem, for me, is not that simply Roe vs. Wade but the fact women don’t have autonomy. Do you realize how difficult it is for a woman to be able to say she doesn’t want children? Not only are there romantic problems, especially with heterosexual, and societal ones (society seems to have adverse reactions to adoption. For some reason, a child sharing DNA w/ a parent makes them more accepted than one who doesn’t, and a wife isn’t fulfilling her duties if she doesn’t produce heirs, and apparently the whole purpose of life is to produce children), but doctors won’t even allow a woman to decide if she can be sterile. A man can get a vasectomy whenever he want without anyone’s permission, including his wife. However, a woman can’t get her tubes tied, or other forms of sterilization, without a long fight. If she is married, then she has to get her husband’s permission and prove this to doctor. If she is under 25 then she has to get several doctors to okay it. If she is over 25 then she still has to prove herself. Even if she’s in her 40s and childfree, doctors are reluctant. If a woman chooses to abstain from sex so she doesn’t get pregnant then she is considered a prude, or frigid, or a slew of other things. You know how difficult it is to live in our culture without sex. Anyway, it’s about more than just abortion.

Shelob at 9:54am November 3
You bring up some excellent points. Please understand I am answering you both in a soft voice with my blood pressure not accelerated in the least. Life is a rugged journey, no doubt. I am facing some really serious health issues myself, however, I believe you both have a choice. You make your choices depending upon your experiences and your beliefs. Your parents, teachers, and friends have helped you to formulate your opinions and over the course of time you will change your opinion as your experiences and beliefs change. Many of my friends can not have children. They want to adopt. There are no babies in this country to adopt so they are forced to go outside the United States to find a child. Aborted babies have no choice. The biggest killing in the world is not war, it’s abortion.

ME at 4:05am November 4
As I explained earlier not everyone has choices. Of course, it is your friend’s choice to insist on adopting a baby, thus needing to go out of the country, instead of adopting one of the millions of older children that need homes and love.

I think I pretty much summed up how I felt about this situation. It just amazes me every time a woman spouts this kind of crap. I feel so naive because I still don’t grasp the fact that some people always feel they need to tell others how to live. I am also amazed by the fact that even when presented with information about things people are still like “Really? Well, you’re still a murderer! You have a choice! You make baby jesus cry!” Seriously? The reason people shouldn’t be allowed to have abortions is because your friends can’t adopt an American baby and have to go overseas? Are you kidding me? Would this woman also be one to complain that mothers on welfare keep having babies and then the government has to keep paying for them? Or that a woman is frigid, or mistreating her husband because she doesn’t want to have sex in order to keep from getting pregnant? Or perhaps she would be the one to vote to ban birth control all together, so women are then forced to propagate. It just all makes me so frustrated and angry and GRRR.

The next quote is really long, so I’m putting it behind a link. The naming scheme is the same as above, except there are some other folks commenting as well. I posted the whole thing so people could follow, but I’m mostly focusing on the words of Sauron.

Reward Instead of Punishment

I have never really understood why our society teaches to punish bad behaviors, but not reward for the good. If someone does what they are supposed to, then they are ignored. There have been countless stories about children in this dynamic. The one child who makes good grades, stays out of trouble and lives life doing the right thing is overlooked while the child who doesn’t do quite as well in school, gets into trouble and makes mistakes has attention poured on them. Granted, this attention is usually negative but any attention is better than no attention. At least, that’s what most child psychologists will explain to exasperated parents. And as so many things in life, that which we learn as children carries over into our adult life.

In an ideal world, perhaps those who did the right thing wouldn’t need praise because there wouldn’t be so many negative aspects. However, let’s be realistic. The world isn’t ideal and the people who do the right thing are lessening all the time. I believe in rewarding people for doing what they’re supposed to do. I’m not sure where the idea that doing right means not receiving love and appreciation, but I would wager a guess it can be traces through religion (specifically Christianity), but that may just be my bias. Specifically…

I believe when a man does not beat his wife, he should be praised and appreciated. I’m sure everyone can agree that men have always been the dominant figure. They are taught to only show “strong” emotions, and never weakness like sadness, mercy, or sympathy. Men are taught that they must defend their home, their families, and their country. Men are taught that to be men they must take part in “man” activities which are often violent, such as contact sports and hunting. Men are encouraged to undervalue women, to not maintain committed long-term relationships, and to gratify their animalistic desires to procreate, dominate, and destroy. Thus, when a man realizes that what society teaches them is wrong, that they don’t have to resort to violence, or be “tough” or dominate, they deserve to be praised.

When parents don’t beat their children, they deserve to be recognized and appreciated. So many things go into this. Violence often comes from people who lack the ability to express themselves with words, and our society has a history of oppressing every emotion, especially those deemed “sinful”. People still have not learned to communicate, or how to not control. Parents are taught to see their children as property that they have to control and mold, like some sort of pet. Women were also forced into the role of motherhood, unable to use birth control to stop unwanted pregnancies or have abortions when mistakes happen. They were forced into marriage and taught that they weren’t people, but living incubators whose sole purpose was to create life and obey their husbands. Men were forced into the role of fathers and husbands, before they even reached maturity. See above point concerning men and violence. Another factor is parents were taught to discipline their children with violence, do we forget the phrase “spare the rod, spoil the child”? Therefore, when parents learn that they cannot control every aspect of their child and cannot beat these children into submission, they should be praised. When parents learn that the way they were raised, and the discipline they received was not the most healthy way, they should be praised. When they realize their parents were human, and made mistakes, and they should learn from these mistakes and try to find a better way to raise their children, they should be praised. When parents realize they need to use their words to express disappointment, pain, fear, uncertainty instead of violence, they should be praised. When women know they don’t have to be mothers, and instead are able to make an educated choice from desire and love, they should be praised. When people stop looking at having children as an unfortunate event, something that ruins their life, and ends all their dreams, they should be praised.

I could go on for pages. I could list the reasons why someone who owns their privilege should be praised, or a teenager who doesn’t succumb to peer pressure to have sex or do harmful drugs, or when people aren’t homophobic or racist or sexist should be praised. We all know the stereotypes. We have to look at the state of the world, and see that obviously “punish the sin” only mentality is not working. People are tired of feeling ashamed when they make a mistake and being ignored when they try to be good people. Folks are sick of being grouped in with the negative, and being called out and insulted when they try to stand up and disassociate themselves.

It has always been my policy in life to ignore those who do the horrible things, because no attention is worse than calling them out, and to lavish praise, appreciation and acceptance on those who do the right thing.

Judgments Run Deep

Rachel over at The F-Word posted an exercise for her readers in reference to the epidemic of fat kids. I thought it was a great post and was interested to see what folks said. Unfortunately, I was quickly offended and taken back by some of the responses.

Several of the comments talked about what people purchase with their food stamps, passing judgment on a parent who chooses to buy pre-packaged food as opposed to cooking from scratch. I can’t help but feel those judgments just add fuel to the “eat healthy and be thin” fire. One comment stated people need to “learn to cook” and “If I were using food stamps, I’d do my damnedest to make that money stretch as far as possible, because we all know that it’s never enough as it is.” Leaving aside the fact this person is speaking from a hypothetical point of view (and one never knows what they would truly do in a situation until they are in it), let’s address what comments like these really say. If a parent doesn’t cook everything from scratch then they aren’t doing everything they know how to make their food stamps stretch. That if a parent doesn’t devote themselves to cooking then they are a bad parent.

One commenter offered “that it is your duty as a parent, rich or poor, to do the best by your child/ren that you can, and in my world, that does not include feeding them crap when you are on a budget.” Again, indicating because not everyone can be a champion in the kitchen, that they are a bad parent. Not everyone is blessed with skillz in the kitchen, and not everyone has the time to devote to learning or doing. Everyone’s mileage varies. I wonder if these people can realize that making others live by their own standards is the same as someone else making them live by theirs. It just gets ridiculous. Everyone cannot do the same things and we have to stop trying to make everyone fit into a box. Perhaps pre-packaged food is not the best, I’m not arguing that it is, but I don’t think it makes a parent less just because they cook from a box. My grandmother always believed it was more important to devote time to her family than to cook from scratch and keep the house clean. Was she a perfect mother? No, but she saved my life.

Thankfully there were a couple of commenters who really laid out the realities of trying to be a single parent and cook from scratch, as well as everything else, but I’m not sure the first commenters really listened.

Aside from that, as a fattie I live my life facing people every day who tell me if I just “show a little discipline” I could be thin and healthy like I should be. If I would just “eat the right foods (or go without food sometimes)” then I would be able to shed pounds and be beautiful. If I would just “exercise and watch what I eat” then I achieve a toned, healthy, beautiful body which will make men want to marry me (or, at the very least, have sex with me). There have been claims that fat people are causing global warming and the American deficit. I was recently sent a “joke” video called “three reasons to quit drinking” where one man awoke to find a pair of plus-sized panties in his bed. In another clip the man awoke to having a dismembered arm handcuffed to his wrist, and the third was a man who awoke with a chimp in a very provocative position. So, having sex with a fat person is associated with having sex with animals and dismembered bodies. Seriously. Look at the correlation between those phrases and associations and things like “people need to learn to cook” and “… the day I buy frakkin’ Lunchables for my son will also be the day I vote Republican, become a Christian, and buy an SUV”.

When are we, as unique individuals, ever going to understand that not everyone is the same? That people have to make decisions and do what they think is best for themselves, even if we don’t agree and that /doesn’t/ make those people any less. Yes, a capitalist can be a good person. Hell, a /Republican/ can be a good person. Just like fatties can be good people, or drunks, or Christians, or convicts. Get off your fuckin’ high horse folks.