The Double Standard of Pregnancy

There is one thing our society teaches women: they will never do anything greater than have children. Everywhere there is discussion of reproduction. From the highest level of our government with the President signing bills concerning whether or not a woman has the right to choose if she gives birth all the way to the insistent allusions to ticking biological clocks from strangers in passing, the issue of child bearing is a hot topic. Children are glamorized in every aspect of our Society. They are the future that the people must preserve our planet for, the hopes of tomorrow that carry on our legacy, and the icons to be better humans. The desire for children is broadcast for every family unit: heterosexual, homosexual, single or any variation in between.

Every media outlet is sure to let women know their job in life: to produce babies. Every middle class mother on television, in books, on the movie screen is shown telling their daughters, friends, husbands, doctors, and whoever will listen that having a baby is the single most important thing they will ever do in their life. It is all they want, it is the only thing to make life complete. Years ago it was marriage which held this sort of esteem, though only because it lead to baby making. Now that a woman no longer needs to be married, or even have sex with a man, in order to have children the nuptials are no longer important. And it is not enough for a woman just to rear children, to love them, to help them form as individuals. No. A woman must /birth/ a child. Only if a child is a biological match is it truly accepted, loved, and seen as the holy grail. Then the list of acceptable alternative methods declines from there. If a woman cannot physically give birth, she should find a surrogate to implant her egg in, or have the egg implanted with sperm by the doctor and then harvested into her uterus. On the bottom rung of the childbirth pool is adoption. It is only acceptable as a last resort.

With these messages running hard, fast, and furious through our society I am not surprised that girls are becoming pregnant sooner and sooner. I have read articles that attribute this to early puberty, the increase in sexuality in the media, the lack of proper sex education, and the dominance of men in our culture. While I do not doubt these things play a part in the rise of teenage pregnancies, I do not think that part is as large as we are being asked to believe. I believe teenage girls are taking this message of only being as worthy as the children they produce to heart.

There are countless studies showing the lack of self-worth in the majority of teenage girls. As women we understand the feelings of oppression that we face every day. We know what it is like to be forced to adhere to gender roles and society standards in order to survive. It was not long ago that we weren’t even allowed to vote, much less live our lives without being attached to a man. While the options a woman has has greatly increased, sometimes the future looks bleak. Especially for the girl who doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. The girl who feels left behind and left out. The girl who struggles to know herself or find a way in this world that is hers. A girl who is told she will never be able to be more than a waitress at a restaurant, or a rich man’s wife.

And when these messages of being worthless, unimportant, and lackluster are at their boiling point, when a teenage girl is so confused and frustrated with life and is at the whims of hormones and sorting our her own thoughts, there are the constant reassurances that babies make life better. There is no better feeling than holding one’s child in one’s arms. No one will ever love a woman the way her child does. If the child does well, then the mother is to thank, the mother has proven herself worthwhile. There is nothing in life that can ever compare to having a baby.

It doesn’t surprise me that our girls don’t listen to us when we tell them to wait to have sex and when we warn them about pregnancy and STDs. They don’t care, because even if they do have a baby, it will be the most beautiful, wonderful thing to ever happen. We tell our girls to go to college, to get a job, to travel the world and then have babies. We tell them not to ruin their lives so early on, not to get tied down to childcare and mortgage payments. That is like a whisper amongst the shouting of millions. Why should they waste so much time in college, in a career even, when their entire life will boil down to having a child? Why do we expect our young girls to heed our advice when we still put so much emphasis on them creating life?

No, I am not surprised that teenage pregnancy is on the rise, and I am not surprised that so many young girls are trying to get pregnant in order to fill something inside of them. It’s what our world is encouraging them to do, and until we begin to change that message, things will not change.

Conform to beauty standards, or…

Someone on one of my blogs recommended Manolo for the Big Girl because it was funny. I decided to add it to my feed in order to evaluate for myself. Then one day I came across a post where Plumcake asks what big girls who don’t dress “chicly” are afraid of. This upset me. It is yet another person calling out those who “don’t fit” and trying to make them feel ashamed and broken. It’s another hierarchy being created. Oh yes, we here at Manolo for the Big Girl are fat, but we’re “fashionably” fat because we do our hair and wear cool clothes and buy high heeled brand named shoes. Just like the healthy fattie discussion. Anyone who doesn’t adhere to this is obviously just coping out. There is no excuse not to dress up and look good! What is wrong with /you/?

Needless to say, I removed the feed and was going to leave it alone, especially after reading the comments which all rang in about how horrible it is not to dress nice and look one’s best. I wanted to leave it alone, but the post kept rising up in my thoughts and causing me to get upset and even more offended. So I returned, and saw that Plumcake had received an outraged response to the post and then asked her readers what they thought. Again, more comments about how shameful and inferior women who didn’t follow fashion were. There was even a comment associating how a woman dresses to her house not being clean enough to accept guests. I mean really folks, have we regressed to the 1900s here? I know the role of women has changed, and the work isn’t done, but we have made a lot of progress and this just breaks my heart.

I admit I posted a comment, which was likely too emotional and not logically sound. I hate letting my emotions get away from me, yet I couldn’t leave it alone. I encourage you ladies to voice your opinion of the situation, either here or there. I do not want to encourage any flamewars or nastiness, so please don’t go there to do that, just honest, open communication about this subject.

Alternet Articles on Feminist Issues

I thought this was a really informative and well written article on Alternet about misogyny in the military. I think this is a topic that is completely under-publicized and needs to be brought into the light.

There is also an article on feminism and sex workers that is very well done.

The feminist movement has several issues it focuses on as a whole which revolve around equality in at work and home, and autonomy. Yet severe issues like being able to serve one’s country with honor and living one’s life by making money from sex is glossed over and swept under the rug. I think it’s time these issues were exposed and remedied.

Glade’s Opinion of Women

The first Glade recent Glade commercial I’ve seen is where the leading lady lights a candle in her fancy little black dress and answers the door to find her friends waiting there. Of course they oooh and aaah over the fragrance, and instead of this woman confiding in her friends that she could buy this great product which doesn’t cost a lot, she decides to tell a bold faced lie. Yes, instead of sharing frugal tips with her friends she decides to act like she got a flippin’ candle from France, because being a bougy upper middle class person and flaunting one’s privilege always earns respect and envy. Of course, her friends all laugh and point out the lady has a Glade sticker on her bum. It’s just so funny when friends lie about things that don’t even matter! I thought this commercial would be one of a kind and Glade would realize how big of an idiot they’re being.

Instead there has been two more wonderfully intelligent commercials released. One playing to the holistic culture where this pompous woman invites her friends over for Yoga and tries to brag on the scent which makes her connect with her inner self. Of course, more giggling from the friends when they realize it’s a Glade plug-in. I haven’t quite decided if these friends are laughing because their hostess is so friggin’ stupid or if it’s a message from Glade that all women are airheads whom think lying and being pretentious is cute. I wish I could find links to these commercials y’all, but I’m sure you’ve seen them.

The one I dislike the most, which I am hard pressed to say, let me tell you, is where our lady is in the bath tub and is rung up by her friend. Then, of course, is the need to lie to said friend about being in a spa. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Seriously, Glade, what the hell possessed you to approve and produce such a bunch of bloody rubbish? I have to swear at you in British I’m so flippin’ angry and irritated by this. It’s just absurd. I swear I will never buy another Glade product, or any product produced by the mother company, for this atrocity. And you bet your sweet patootie that I’m going to be writing a strongly worded letter to Glade. I won’t be holding my breathe for a reply, but at least I’m speaking out.

I just don’t understand why they feel the need to portray women as lying, deceiving, privileged assholes. Nor do I understand how they expect to sell products, which are targeted towards women, this way. I would seriously like to meet the woman who watches these commercials and goes “AMAZING! I want to be just like this woman! Let me rush out to the store and buy Glade products so I can pretend to be something I’m not and try to make everyone else see me as better than them! That’s a marvelous idea!”

Is this the world we live in? Where people feel the need to pretend to be privileged and wealthy instead of just being who they are? Do we still feel the desire to assert superiority over others and maintain dominance? It’s just so sad.

The Significances of Hair

I have had long hair all my life. Usually it is shoulder-length, but has never been shorter than the chin, at least not until 2005. That is when I decided to shave my head. I did this for a lot of reasons. My Great Aunt was dying of cancer, and had lost all of her hair because of Chemotherapy. I’m not very good at socialization, but I wanted to connect with her in a way that let her know everything I was feeling and maybe let her know that even though I didn’t come around as much as everyone else, or sit by her bedside to hold her hand the last week before she died, that I loved her and she was a profound part of my life. It was also during a time when I wanted to question gender roles and female stereotypes. My husband and I challenge gender roles in nearly ever aspect of our relationship, and yet I find myself constantly questioning my femininity because I don’t cook or clean or do other “womanly work”, nor do I typically look like a woman “should”. I have never been a fan of make-up or nail polish, I don’t care about fashion or cute shoes or trendy purses; I couldn’t care less about starting a family or getting my hair done. I had felt like my second X chromosome was asleep. A hair cut, at first glance, doesn’t seem like much of a statement, but it was monumental. Not only I was challenging people’s interpretations of what a woman with a shaved head is (a butch lesbian? a transgender? a freak? a goth?), but also my own.

Hair has always been a major talking point through history. In the 18th century women either had long curly hair, where they wore a hat, or extreme wigs or hair which were piled high upon the head. In the 19th century, women who were out in society wore their long hair up as was proper, though country women (seen as less refined) wore it down, the length was still in question. In the 1960s, women had long, free flowing hair in rebellion of the culturally acceptable style. As far as I can tell, the only time women were ever encouraged to have short hair was during the 1920s – 1940s when flappers and Big Band Music was in style, although any shorter than chin/mid-cheek sparked questions and concerns. As a reality TV watcher, shows like American’s Next Top Model, and Paris Hilton’s BFF show girls breaking down into hysterics if anyone dares suggest they cut their hair short, dye it a new color, or do anything outside of the girl’s comfort zone. Many times I’ve heard the young women proclaim, “I don’t want it to change who I am!” What an absurd idea really.

As far as the feminist movement has come, there is so many little things which seem to be overlooked. Rosie the Riveter, an icon for the women during WWII who had to go to work, is shown with her beautiful clear skin and perfectly done up hair despite the hard days spent in the factories, and Wo! Magazine’s call to femininity with a thin, naked woman who has flowing hair and holding up the world. It seems the farther we fight society for our freedom, the more we lock ourselves into certain boxes.

Shaving my head provided the confidence for me to try several other variations including shaving my eyebrows and rocking a Mohawk. That’s not to say that this transition was easy and went along smoothly. My husband wasn’t 100% on board at the beginning, and we struggled and discussed and debated. While I was outwardly convincing him, I was internally trying to find my own strength and acceptance. I had to know that no matter how much I didn’t look like what society deemed a woman, that I still was. It seemed like as soon as I was comfortable with the idea, my husband followed suit (or perhaps he realized it was something I was going to do either way, so he better hop on board or risk the consequences). Now, my current hairstyle has settled somewhere in the middle and my days of asking “Is this womanly enough?” have dwindled.

Cheers for Candis Cayne and Transgenders

I watch Chelsea Lately. I know, activists everywhere groan with that admission. Chelsea, like Margaret Cho, are often times filled with “isms”. They’ve been made famous for shocking people, saying unladylike things, and being rude. I think that’s what appeals to me, because they break the mold of what a “woman” should be, and have made their way in the world without the need of a man. In a way that is feminism, but in another… well yeah. So, the other night I was watching and Chelsea and she had Candis Cayne as a guest. Candis is a very beautiful transgender woman. Chelsea doesn’t normally have many mainstream guests, so I was pleasantly surprised when they talked about Candis’ appearance on the ABC primetime drama Dirty Sexy Money. Not only does Miss Cayne appear on ABC as an actress, but as a transgender in a torrid affair with Billy Baldwin’s character.

I was impressed with ABC, because historically these types of roles were not played by actual transgenders. In fact, transgender characters as a whole were unheard of. So for a national television network to embrace such a character, and an actress, shows that society is definitely making a step forward. This is not to say there is no prejudices left, or that everything is hunky dory. I don’t have blinders on, but when someone does something good they deserve a cookie.

So congratulations to ABC, for doing the right thing, and for Candis Cayne for breaking the mold both on television, in beauty pageants, and in life.

Margaret Cho, Misogyny and Feminism

So Margaret Cho is catching a lot of flack for her post concerning Sarah Pallin. Now, let me go ahead and say that yes, this post is misogynous. Yes, Margaret Cho was crude and crass and unladylike, and yes, in addition to being a smart, independent, successful women who happens to be a mother (and completely fucking ridiculous in her beliefs) Pallin is also incredibly attractive. I doubt I would do dirty things to her, because her personality totally turns me off, but I get where everyone is coming from.

I would also like to say that yes, it pisses me off when the only thing people have to talk about concerning Pallin is how she looks. I was watching the Letterman show yesterday (ya know, when he was pissed McCain bailed on him and so he had to lash out at our Republican candidate any way possible) and his music guy (why are they letting this guy talk anyway?) was all like “yeah, Sarah Pallin is hot. har har har”. It’s ridiculous and offensive and worst of all, it’s unoriginal and unintelligent.

However, in this case, it’s MARGARET FUCKING CHO yo. She has made her living off being a female shock jock if you will. She talks about being a lesbian, pussy, orgasms, sex, gay men, lube and any other sexually driven taboos the Western world knows (maybe even the Eastern when she takes it home). This is what she does. It’s not always intelligent comedy like George Carlin, but it is meant to shock, appall and make one think. I don’t agree with what Margaret Cho says, but I wasn’t surprised by it or disappointed. She’s doing her thing in a way only Cho knows how. Thus I say this Miss Cho:

Rock it, girl. Do your thang. Make your point and be true to yourself. Don’t backtrack just because a couple of people call you names and disagree. I mean, come on girl, isn’t that the whole point of what you’re doing? Aren’t you all about being outrageous and fabulous? And did you seriously do the whole “well she did it first and it’s /worse/ than what I said!” thing? Really? Margaret! You’re so much better than that. I think this response would definitely result in a “we don’t speak English” from your parents.

Reclaiming Bitch

Etmonline.com defines the origin of the word Bitch.

O.E. bicce, probably from O.N. bikkjuna “female of the dog” (also fox, wolf, and occasionally other beasts), of unknown origin. Grimm derives the O.N. word from Lapp pittja, but OED notes that “the converse is equally possible.” As a term of contempt applied to women, it dates from c.1400; of a man, c.1500, playfully, in the sense of “dog.” In modern (1990s, originally black English) slang, its use with ref. to a man is sexually contemptuous, from the “woman” insult.

“BITCH. A she dog, or doggess; the most offensive appellation that can be given to an English woman, even more provoking than that of whore.” ["Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue," 1811]

The adj. bitchy “bad-tempered” (usually of females) is first attested 1925. The verb meaning “to complain” is at least from 1930, perhaps from the sense in bitchy, perhaps influenced by the verb meaning “to bungle, spoil,” which is recorded from 1823. But bitched in this sense seems to echo M.E. bicched “cursed, bad,” a general term of opprobrium (e.g. Chaucer’s bicched bones “(unlucky) dice”), which despite the hesitation of OED, seems certainly to be a derivative of bitch. And cf. the mid-19th century U.S. blackface minstrel song verse about women’s rights movement:

When woman’s rights is stirred a bit
De first reform she bitches on
Is how she can wid least delay
Just draw a pair ob britches on.

Insult son of a bitch is O.N. bikkju-sonr. Slang bitchen “good” is first attested 1950s. Bitch-goddess coined 1906 by William James; the original one was success.

Reading this, I am flabbergasted why any woman would want to be defined or referred to in this manner. As a term of contempt applied to women, it dates from c.1400; of a man, c.1500, playfully, in the sense of “dog.” Playfully? Really? Folks, you have to be kidding here. Really.

I get it. I get the whole reclaiming a word, trying to turn it into something which does not scald one to the very bone. I get the intellectual ideology behind this. Yet, I find myself asking Why the fuck would anyone want to reclaim such a word?

I say we should ignore its very existence. When someone uses that word in a derogatory manner, we should regard them in the very same way we would someone speaking another language. Instead of letting it affect us, instead of trying to reclaim it, why do we even acknowledge it? When so much of the world is built to oppress us right out of the gate, when we are conditioned to hate our bodies and to take as little space as possible, when the only acceptable way to be a woman is to be timid and fragile and quit, I get why we want to recondition ourselves to be strong. I get that we woman want to let the world know that strength is not a male attribute, that we can be powerful and bold and in-your-face. By using the word bitch to define one’s womanhood, I understand that they are trying to associate the word bitch with independence, choice, ambition. We were labeled with this word by the men of our past, without choice or agreement, and now we are trying to correct them, to reaffirm our place in the world.

I say fuck that. Since we were not given the right to decide whether we wanted it, or what definition and affiliations were given the word, why even give it credit? It is not a descriptive word where the definition was there before it was misaligned and misused. It is not like the word fat, or beautiful, or funny, or smart. These words have a definition which was put in place and only the reaction to the word is different as one’s culture changes. Instead bitch has always been an insult to the female. The negativity of it has never changed.

So that is why when a woman uses it to describe herself my heart weeps. I see blogs where women actually only refer to themselves using on this word. “This bitch” did this and “When I was a little bitch” and so on and so forth. When I see this, I struggle between AAAAAAAAAA! and wrapping them protectively in my arms before whisking them off for deprogramming. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we say we’re fighting the good fight, to be our own people, to live our lives the way we want to and yet still apply the same labels and thoughts and standards?

It just doesn’t make any sense. So next time someone uses this word to describe someone, just give them a blank stare. Next time the word bitch is spat in your direction, respond simply with “English Motherfucker, do you speak it?” Eliminate such filth from your vocabulary, from your memory, and from your future.

{Note: I have mulled over this post for quite a number of days. I’m not entirely happy with the way it came out, yet it is a notion I wish to express. So I am publishing this and welcome all feedback and I hope my words come across more cohesively to you than they do to me.}