Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner

Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
There was a lot of things I loved about this book, and a lot of things I hated.

Pros:

- The fact that the heroine did find love, at her size, and that she had love before. Also that she had friends, and a successful life, and many of the things she wanted. She wasn’t waiting to lose weight before having a life.

- The honest body talk. Cannie talks about her body in the same way most every other person does. Even though she is on the smaller size of being “fat”, she still sees herself as this horrific creature who doesn’t deserve love or happiness because she’s fat. It was great to mention the white elephant in the room.

- Cannie was honest about why she wanted to lose weight, why she needed to lose weight. It was only because she wasn’t attractive according to the world as she saw it. She wasn’t acceptable to herself and felt unacceptable to everyone else. It wasn’t this hiding behind being healthy crap.

- The doctor was honest about the weight loss. He admitted that the medical world doesn’t know what makes a body fat or thin, yet they still push this archaic idea of calories in and calories out. He admitted that even with medicine and surgery, the ability to change a person’s body is unknown and it is very unlikely any weight lost will stay off. He also didn’t preach, mostly, about healthy related illnesses which the medical community claim to be caused by obesity.

- Cannie was smart, witty, and Jewish. I love that her mother was queer, and that the family was a little dysfunctional but still loving. I thought the characters were well fleshed out and surprising in some ways. I also liked the way that Cannie didn’t mind talking about being fat. Even though it wasn’t in a positive light, she still talked about it. And not in hushed voices like someone would say cancer, she was really willing to bust out with it.

- There was no glamorization of Cammie’s unhealthy weight loss. She wasn’t praised and the doctor specifically said she needs to eat.

- The ex-boyfriend was/is still in love with our heroine.

Cons:

- Completely unbelievable. A fat journalist just happens to find herself in a situation to become bosom buddies with a movie star that whisks her off to vacation and buys her furniture after one bonding experience. Puh-lease.

- Standard white middle class privileged problems. The lack of heterosexual marriage, having a baby out of wedlock, the whole coming to turns with that and how childbirth makes everything worthwhile. It’s the same played out story. Plus it went way off into the fantasy spotlight when Cannie’s screenplay hit big and everyone lived happily ever after.

- She is still in the lower side of the fat spectrum. I don’t consider a 14-18 being anything to bat eyelashes at.

- I also find the boldness of Cannie to talk about her fat a little off-putting as well. I think this is due to the fact she is so depressing and self-deprecating. Of course, that’s what makes her wry wit so good, however it can get old as well. This goes on both sides of the list for me.

View all my reviews.

The Diet-But-Not-Diet Trend

I’ve noticed a trend within the fatosphere lately. Maybe it has always been there, and my being new resulted in it going unnoticed before. It was mentioned before in my Creating Community post; “it” being the whole hierarchy between the good fatties and the bad. More and more I’ve noticed entries which discuss healthy eating, which hold food as moral character indicators, and posts outlining how the authors needs to incorporate more physical exercise into their life. To me, these things sound oddly similar to a diet. The regulation of food, the insistence on exercise, the weighing of what foods should and shouldn’t be eaten. And while there is also mention of listening to one’s body and enjoying the exercise, something inside of me is struggling.

Perhaps it is because every time I read these posts I feel as though I am not doing my part to represent the fat world. I am not trying to eat healthier, and by that I mean trying to choose mostly vegetables and whole grains or exclude soda. I do not exercise, and I do not want to. I don’t really enjoy the whole physical exertion thing. There are some things I’m doing, such as eating less meat or taking an Omega 3 supplement, though none of these things are to be healthier. And I worry, if I am judging myself based on these entries and deciding whether or not I’m a good fattie, what are these things doing to the writers?

Am I way off base here, folks? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill or are more and more fat acceptance blogs concerned more with being healthy (It seems they all follow HAES as well) and fat than just acceptance of all fat?

Conform to beauty standards, or…

Someone on one of my blogs recommended Manolo for the Big Girl because it was funny. I decided to add it to my feed in order to evaluate for myself. Then one day I came across a post where Plumcake asks what big girls who don’t dress “chicly” are afraid of. This upset me. It is yet another person calling out those who “don’t fit” and trying to make them feel ashamed and broken. It’s another hierarchy being created. Oh yes, we here at Manolo for the Big Girl are fat, but we’re “fashionably” fat because we do our hair and wear cool clothes and buy high heeled brand named shoes. Just like the healthy fattie discussion. Anyone who doesn’t adhere to this is obviously just coping out. There is no excuse not to dress up and look good! What is wrong with /you/?

Needless to say, I removed the feed and was going to leave it alone, especially after reading the comments which all rang in about how horrible it is not to dress nice and look one’s best. I wanted to leave it alone, but the post kept rising up in my thoughts and causing me to get upset and even more offended. So I returned, and saw that Plumcake had received an outraged response to the post and then asked her readers what they thought. Again, more comments about how shameful and inferior women who didn’t follow fashion were. There was even a comment associating how a woman dresses to her house not being clean enough to accept guests. I mean really folks, have we regressed to the 1900s here? I know the role of women has changed, and the work isn’t done, but we have made a lot of progress and this just breaks my heart.

I admit I posted a comment, which was likely too emotional and not logically sound. I hate letting my emotions get away from me, yet I couldn’t leave it alone. I encourage you ladies to voice your opinion of the situation, either here or there. I do not want to encourage any flamewars or nastiness, so please don’t go there to do that, just honest, open communication about this subject.

Being Fat in College: Finding Proper Seating

I’ve been wanting to return to school for ages, and it is with a bit of shame I admit one of the major obstacles holding me back has been finding suitable seating. Since I am nearly 400lbs, the tiny seats most institutes provide, whether it be amphitheater type seating or individual desks, just don’t cut it. I do not fit. If I try, I find myself spilling over the sides, unable to take notes and with half my body in pain. It is not a pleasant experience, and even now I get a little misty-eyed thinking about it. When I flunked out of college the first time, a little part of me was happy that I wouldn’t have to subject myself to such conditions again. There would be no more flashbacks to high school and being called “fatswell”. There would be no more dropping of the pencil and being unable to retrieve it, without standing up and moving desks around and causing all kinds of distraction while the professor was talking. Most importantly, there would be no more pain and inability to concentrate on what is being taught simply because I could not focus, my mind was filled with self-hatred, disappointment, and anger. How can a fat person succeed when they can’t even find a seat?

It was several years after I flunked out that I found myself in the FA community, learning new things and hating myself less. It was one particular posts by Aunt Fattie at Shapely Prose that the idea dawned on me to even request adequate seating. It was a big deal. I’ve saved that post, reread it several times, talked about it with my husband, reread it several more times and began working up my courage. One day, I would go back to school, and I would ask for proper seating. To some, it may not have been life changing but it was to me. Again, with the misty-eyed (I tend to be quite the cry baby folks).

So this term I enrolled at Portland Community College, on the Sylvania Campus. I was wrought with fear and concern; would the professor laugh at me? Would the College tell me to get over it? Would I be put into the spotlight, where students could laugh at me behind my back or to my face? Would the administration promise one thing and then keep putting me off? Certainly I wouldn’t be the first to ask for proper seating. Certainly they would have to adhere to a reasonable request, because it is a reasonable request, but how much turmoil was I going to have to stir up? Would I even be strong enough to stand up to it or would I simply drop the class and try to finish my education online only? Needless to say I had built the situation up in my head. The first day of class I did a quick survey of the room, and without hesitation walked up to my professor, “I can’t fit into these chairs, do you have any suggestions?” Let me explain that my lack of hesitation was due less to the fact I had convinced myself things would be okay and this was the right thing to do, and everything to do with the fact that I didn’t think. Otherwise I would have given myself another anxiety attack before class and would have never made it in.

The response was positive. The professor looked confused at first, though I do not think it was because a fat person was daring to ask for accommodation (she’s just not like that), but quickly took in the situation and offered other solutions. Turns out, there was a table in the back of the room with chairs for disabled students. There were only two seats available but it would do. I was a little embarrassed for not seeing it at first, but thankful it was there. I took my seat, filled with pride, and awaited for the class to fill up. I saw several women of size come in, and each of them shoved themselves into these tiny desks, despite the fact a seat next to me was open. My pride was dwindling with every new fat girl who did this. They would look at me, at the empty seat, and still choose the desks.

I thought maybe it was just me, not wanting to be close to a stranger. Next class, I thought, they’ll see how warm and friendly I am and will feel more comfortable taking the bigger seat. Yet, the next class was very similar. No one sat next to me. There were plenty of fat girls in the surrounding areas, and over the four hours we were together in class many of them commented about being uncomfortable, about their legs falling asleep, about having to sit in these tiny vessels, and yet not one made a move. I’ve even offered to some of them, when they would whisper about their discomfort to me as though we are in some secret sorority, that they should try out the chairs and the table. It’s very comfortable, I feel so much better not having to fight with the desks. I exchanged complaints with them concerning the desks and remarked, “Yeah, that’s why I’m glad I got this seat. You should come sit with me.” They just smile shyly and shake their head. I’m amazed by this.

There are 20 women in my class, I would say half of them are fat. Yet I am the only one who will sit in the seat.

Chelsea Lately Guest “Ruby”

There has been some discussion throughout the FA community about the show Ruby on the Style Network. I haven’t watched the show, nor do I want to. I don’t think I’m ready to face that kind of message, being so new to the FA world. However, Ruby’s interview with Chelsea bothered me, especially when it came to the discussion of her boyfriend.

Apparently Ruby’s boyfriend from the show dumped her because she was unable to lose weight. Ruby went on to say that she doesn’t blame him because men are more partial to the physical, they can’t help it and that’s the way they’re born, and so her boyfriend couldn’t get over the physical. She also states women are more nurturing. It seems like the Style Network went out and found the most accurately media-defined woman and gave her a show. What do I mean by accurately media-defined woman? I mean the women that are portrayed in every television show, book, movie, and newspaper article. It’s the woman who is completely convinced that the world’s “truths” are absolute and has never considered to question otherwise. It’s the woman who has been trained to fit the universal gender role, and thinks this is the way it is supposed to be. It is the woman who hasn’t even considered accepting herself for who she is but instead believes in fitting in at all costs. It’s just sad folks.

Ruby really does seem like a lovely person. She comes across, in the interview at least, as sweet, loving, and caring. Yet, I can’t help but wonder how much of that is really her and how much of that is what she thinks she’s supposed to be. I don’t know about anyone else, but when a person has such a large part of herself defined by other people, it makes me very suspicious. I also wonder if she’s exhibiting those traits as a way to make up for how much she weighs. This thought really breaks my heart. Perhaps it was because only a short while ago I was extremely similar to this woman. I was ashamed about my weight and would have done anything to get rid of it. While I had learned to appreciate some of my untraditional beauty, there wasn’t more than a second that went by when I wouldn’t have traded it in to look like Pam Anderson or Angelina Jolie. What I wouldn’t give to be able to just put that first inkling of self-acceptance in these women’s heads. I wish I could be the spark. I understand truly how empowering that spark can be.

So I’m thinking about starting an email campaign for Ruby. I encourage everyone to go to her blog and leave information about FA and Intuitive Eating. Go to the show message boards and share information about Health at Every Size. However, please remember to be extra special polite. We are likely going to face a lot of resistance and debate, and possibly even some trolls. I do not support fighting fire with fire though. I believe in non-violent communication and resistance, which means do not respond to snark with snark, leave sarcasm out of your discussion posts, and ignore any intentional bullying. Stick to the fact, stick to being supportive and helpful, and don’t waste your time arguing with people who honestly don’t care what you have to say they just want to discredit you.

I think this is a great opportunity to share our FA with people who likely haven’t been exposed. Ruby has great charisma, and she can relate to the general population of woman out there. The same women we want to reach with our message of hope, love, and acceptance.

After Thanksgiving Wears Off

The holiday season at my house, as I suspect is the same for most all families, is filled with negative body talk. I think now that I am more aware of the misconceptions concerning being fat, it’s easier for me to not immediately resort to shame when someone talks about their body. It also makes me sad though, because I want to share my new insights with my family members (we’re female majority) but I know they are simply not ready to acknowledge anything besides what they think they already know. This isn’t just assumption on my part, I’ve actively tried to talk to them, share links and research and what not, but was shut down several times. In one conversation, to give an example, my Aunt responded to the statistics and information I provided concerning WLS surgery with “I think it’s supposed to teach people how to eat right”. That took me by surprised and as I explained that WLS actually deprives the body of nutrients and causes starvation, they looked at me and then went on to talk about how WLS is really great. (Does anyone else notice their need to justify why they have formed the conclusions they have about things, especially family and friends?)

My older cousin ran around insisting people feel her bicep and stomach muscles, exclaiming how much energy she’s had lately since she’s started ADD medicine. It’s been so wonderful, she states, because it makes her not want to eat so she’s lost 11 pounds. I think to myself, isn’t that what speed does too? Is she really ADD (she’s 27, and the story goes she told her doctor she needed it and he prescribed it without any tests) or simply using the legal capitalist way to take drugs in that eternal struggle to be thin? This same cousin states she will not be seen without high heels because she doesn’t want to be considered short. I wonder when being short became a faux pas. Then she lead a 30 minute discussion with our younger cousins, age ranging between 22 and 15, about what they can do to “get healthy” and lose weight.

The saddest part of this whole ordeal is my 15-year-old cousin. She made an entrance into the celebration all dressed up, wearing one of those fancy, puffy dresses they wear now and three inch heels. I know I struggled between telling her she looked beautiful, to make her feel secure in herself, and making comments on the horrors of high heels and feeling one has to dress up and wear “the right thing” in order to fit in and be accepted. She’s impressionable, and I want to help her learn to be comfortable in her own skin. Of course, I have no idea how to relate to a 15-year-old and struggle with my own self-esteem issues. Anyhow, the first words out of my grandmother’s mouth was “you look pregnant”. The alarm bells went off, because pregnant equals fat equals horror and death. The rest of the celebration my cousin made comments about how she eats, what she looks like, etc. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I’m not sure if she has unhealthy issues with her weight, to the point where it should be troubling, or if it’s just the level we’ve all come to regard as normal (which is terrifying in and of itself). Not only that, but I would really love to see her get to a point where she doesn’t have any issues at all. I’m not really sure what to do about the whole situation. I’m rather reserved as a whole, so it’s not like we’re close, and I’m just not sure if she would take anything I have to say seriously, especially when the rest of the world is talking over me. It’s hard enough as a teenager to go against one’s peers, but to go against the world seems impossible.

Overall, I am fairly proud of how I handled the comments about eating too much, or exercising, or being fat, or being lazy. I didn’t watch what I ate: if I wanted something, I partook. I didn’t call myself fat or say anything self-deprecating disguised as humor. When others were talking about weight and body image, I just kept quiet and mentally reminded myself of what I learned through Fat Acceptance. I think it also helped that my husband was there and I could always look over at him and know he was thinking the same thing about those comments and conversations. The next couple of days, I did struggle with feeling fat and thinking about dieting and just feeling wrong. I think I am perking up from that, and I am trying not to be too hard on myself for those feelings because after the onslaught it is only natural to expect some of those old emotions to rise up.

The Atheletic Body

The use of the word “athletic” in relation to body type is quite popular. When this word is used to describe a body the term usually implies the physique that is trim, muscular and tall. Usually the athletic frame is associated with runners or swimmers. However, the word is grossly misused. Now, if we look at the definition of the word athletic we find:

athletic |aθˈletik|
adjective
1 [ attrib. ] of or relating to athletes or athletics : athletic events | an athletic club.
2 physically strong, fit, and active : big, muscular, athletic boys.

Since the first definition points to athletes, I think the definition of that is important as well.

athlete |ˈaθˌlēt|
noun
a person who is proficient in sports and other forms of physical exercise.
• chiefly Brit. a person who is skilled in competitive track and field events (athletics).

It would read that to be considered athletic one should be “physically strong, fit, and active” and be “proficient in sports and other forms of physical exercise”. So it would reason that folks who do well in sports, any sport not just a chosen few, should be considered to have an athletic frame. Taking a gander at Wikipedia’s List of Sports there are categories which surpass this body stereotype. In fact, there are more sports which either do not require a specific body type, or require one that is different from the general idea of “athletic”, than there are ones which adhere to the standard. For instance, female gymnasts need to be very thin, short in stature, have very little in the way of curves, and be extremely muscular. However, shot put athletes need to throw a shot weighting 8.8 pounds (for women) or 16 pounds (for men) as far as possible, thus are usually extremely muscular all over. A similar body type as a body builder, though less girth.

It is both fascinating and disheartening, to me, that the world’s obsession (and by “the world” I mean mainly United States/Canada/UK) with the shape of the human body has become so diluted and misaligned that masses of people who are athletic are refused the title simple because of our connotations with fat and health. Truth be told, being muscular is still classified as being overweight. Let’s think about this. Take a 6′ tall male body builder. His weight is centered around 350 to 400 pounds. If this man was to list his height and weight only, people would immediately jump on the OMG YOU’RE UNHEALTHY AND UGLY AND HORRIBLE!!!!111!!elevenityfuckingone!!!1111 bandwagon. Now, if we add the element of him, then, detailing his body building, he would likely be cut some slack and flaunted over. However, this athlete would not be granted the description he deserves, athletic. After all, he is proficient in his sport, strong, and active.

Our society is so dreadful of the dreaded fat that we would rather strip pride from people than give acceptance and love. People are pressed into boxes with such vigor that anyone that doesn’t fit is outcast. This type of thing is why I’m not surprised when athletes use steroids and drugs to alter their performance. They’re already being stripped of the thing they have devoted their life to. They’re already being forced to fit into this standard. It’s an impossible quest, it’s shaming, and it’s built into our everyday language. It goes beyond just fat or obese, or anorexic skinny. It’s about nearly every person in the entire world, aside from a very select few, being told every single day they are not good enough, they will never be good enough, and they will never be accepted.