Racism Rears

I had a very interesting situation happen to me today. I just recently started playing an online game, and as I tend to do I was browsing the forums trying to discover tips and get to know the people there. There was a particular thread where folks could post item “wishlists” for the game. One poster was posting their list over and over again, about twice per page. This was annoying some people who made pissy comments. Then someone notified the members that the “spammer” didn’t speak very good English, in fact Spanish was his first language, and then asked if anyone knew Spanish so the etiquette rules could be explained. One gentlemen, we’ll call him GG, said: ……………..donto posto every pago…..???

See what he did there? Funny, right?

No, not at all. There were several people who laughed. I posted that I thought the comment was racist. The backlash was not pretty.

GG: ha ha…..ok….im jewish with a big nose ok????
Me: Then you should know better.
Becks: hey yoou are beautiful…………..nose sizes and culture dont even come into it…..anyway the man in your picture doesnt have a big nose!!!!!!!!!!!
Mary: I’m sure it was meant as a little joke..no racists here…. :thumbs:
GG: we are all good ppl here….just kidding…..calm down…..and i do know better….. *boggled face*
Kerry [in response to Mary]: Exactly! :thumbs:
Me [in response to Mary]: I understand it was meant as a joke. And I’m not saying that GG is a racist. I’m just pointing out that while the intention may have been innocent, it is still racist and perhaps more thought should be given before saying such things in the future.
Mary [in response to Me]: but if we can’t joke with each other here it’s no fun..we’ve “known” each other so long!!..how can anyone here be racist..we gift each other equally no matter where they’re from or who they are!!!
Me: I would say making a joke at the expense of another is no fun, especially when it insults an entire culture.
Scuba [in response to Me]: You guys, let’s just drop this ok? No one was trying to offend anyone, it was just a little play on words, I do it all the time too, and I have lived everywhere, seen tons of cultures, and love them all!! Let’s keep this thread nice and friendly please?
Becks [in response to Me]: the remark wasnt meant to be racist, or a joke on others behalf…….i think you are over analysing the situation,pople on here help others, we all know each other well, no harm was meant….
Mary [in response to Me]: no one was insulted but you..
GG [in response to Me]: ok now im upset…..u dont know me…and u dont know how many items i gave to arebs jews…spanish and americans….so just keep ur ideas for yourself…cause ur trying to look smart…but your not…………..
Mary [in response to Scuba]: exactly…someone needs to make a scene!
Pink [in response to GG]: IGNORE them adn they’ll go away hopefully
Becks [to someone who asked what was going on]: no love, some sad individual that is trying to make something out of nothing to make themselves feel better…………which to me is shallow!!! how are you?
Mary [to the same person as Becks] not at all hun..just someone wanting to cause drama for no reason!! how are you sweety??
GG: thank you the one who ruined my mood……………….im out

Queue bunch of folks begging GG not to go, remarking that ME didn’t know what they were talking about, etc., etc., etc., “You know it wasn’t racist”, ad nauseam.

This whole situation was really unsettling to me. I admit it, I cried. The kneejerk reactions, the patting each other on the back for not being racist while simultaneously insulting me and making passive-aggressive remarks just knocked me right in the stomach. A white male makes a racist comment, gets called out on it, and then is flocked to and fawned over by white females until it’s “all better” and he’s reassured he’s not really a racist. These are likely some of the same women who swear up and down they’re not racist, they’re colorblind, they never say a negative word about anyone. It just angers me, and frustrates me, and hurts me. Especially as a white woman. Can you imagine the backlash if I would have been a Latino person, or some other minority trying to speak out for themselves?

And people say that racism no longer exists. I left the thread without any more comments, unable to stand up and make more of a confrontation. I feel ashamed about that, I wish I would have been stronger in the moment. However, a friend of mine, trying to console me, said:

In other words, this guy (and this community), knows that what he said is racist. But, he didn’t really mean it in a racist or negative way. He was reaching for the cheap laugh. Sometimes…as a crusader, you have to take your lumps. You have to let the vitriol and irrational self-righteousness wash over you. You know, when you stir up someone, they feel like they got spanked, or slapped or something. Smacked down. That’s what he feels now. My suggestion is to drop it. You don’t want to turn into a drama loci. You just want the racism to stop. For people to be aware of the connection between their actions and the state of the modern world. I think you’ve probably done that. This guy won’t, probably, reach for the same cheap laugh again. He’ll be afraid, next time he’s tempted, that someone will call him on it and embarrass him in public like you did. I call that a victory. However, now, you have to let the children call you names, after you put them in the corner. That’s how it works. “Mom” gives the kid a timeout, the kid tells mom that he hates her and she’s ugly and stupid. However, the kid learns his lesson and doesn’t get put into the corner for the same thing again, because he knows if he does it again, he’ll be back in the corner. Effective parenting through superior firepower.

What do you all think?

ETA: As Meowser and Meghan pointed out to me, this isn’t necessarily racism since a native Spanish speaker could be any race. Thank you for that correction ladies. Yes, even I am not perfect and need to adjust my thinking. However, that does not mean that I believe the comments made were discriminatory, just that I put the wrong label on it.

Everything About Me Is Wrong

I don’t talk much about my depression in day-to-day life. I don’t talk about it here, and I don’t talk about it in RL. Sometimes on my LiveJournal, though I’ve tappered off over the years. If there is one thing I have learned in this life, is that people don’t want to hear about the sad. Most of the times when I do talk about it, I either get no response at all or a dismissive “things will get better” or “keep your chin up”. I know people think they are helping, however they are not. Anyway, my therapist thinks I really need to learn how to disclose to people and talk about things. Thus, I am going to try to do so. I’ll start in the written format, since I’m most comfortable there, and hopefully it’ll build into face-to-face stuff. I hope my disclosure helps people. I hope somewhere out there people can relate. And if not, well, it’s my blog so it doesn’t really fucking matter ayway (only it does, though I try to tell myself it doesn’t).

Today I would like to disclose that I feel like everything about me is wrong. Even the things I like about myself are wrong. I feel a constant separation from the world at large. I know, I know, everyone feels isolated and alone but we’re really not and if we could just talk and love one another then everything would be okay. I call bullshit on that one. As a 26-years-old (Is that the right way to write that? I can never figure it out.) woman who doesn’t drink, doesn’t have sex, doesn’t adhere to gender roles, is married to man who doesn’t adhere to gender roles, comes from poverty, and is an anarchist and humanist, I call bullshit. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet someone? To make friends? I know, I know, everyone has problems meeting people, yet on the fundamental levels (at least, the levels we’re taught are fundamental) I don’t fit in. I don’t go out with people for drinks, I don’t hang out in bars like most people my age, I don’t like alcohol. I think it’s poison. I can’t hook up with my girlfriends to share tales about meeting men or having sex. I don’t think anyone’s life should revolve around matching up, and I really think there is more to life than having sex. That is not to say I think people are wasting their time, I have no judgment on how someone else lives their life, I just can’t relate and share and form friendships over it because it is foreign to me.

I find it near impossible to have friends which are married. It seems the only thing these people are concerned with are having kids, getting 9 to 5 jobs, buying houses, and trying to make a nuclear family. I’m not interested in that. I know every married person in the world isn’t doing this, just every married person I’ve met. Ha! Anyway, I don’t prescribe to any of that stuff. I’m not interested in having children, a day job, a house or living in a “typical” family environment.

Anyway, I won’t address every detail. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I do want to point out that ontop of this stuff, there is a level of intolerance in our Society. Everyone seems to hate someone for something. Discrimination is build into our every day language to the point where most people don’t realize it anymore. However, I do. I recognize it all the time and when I point it out, I feel as though the response is that I’m just being crazy PC. My husband thinks he is being all good male because he says he doesn’t like it when a woman wears make-up. Well, dear husband (and I tell him this too), it’s really not any of your business what a woman does with her body. Of course he concedes and acknowledges this, however if it would have been any other person things likely wouldn’t have gone so smoothly. Especially one who isn’t open minded. I know that I don’t /have/ to say things to people when they’re being discriminatory. Yet, I feel it is my duty as a human being who cares for other human beings to stand up against what isn’t right. I’m not an activist per se, I just believe for “evil” to win all it takes is for good people to stand around and do nothing.

So yes, my strong convictions cause me to be apart from the pact. I know there are many bloggers out there who talk about this same thing. How they are accosted for being too PC. It’s a hard knock life. Let me go even further. I have these “fundamental” things that keep me separate, I have these convictions that keep me isolated, and I have this profound sadness that makes it near unbearable to be in the world. I watch this discrimination that is built into our world, the way people scapegoat one another and hate and destroy and tear apart, and it literally breaks my heart. I feel the weight of it in my body. Every time. I just want to tell people if they stop, if they just stop pointing fingers and accept everyone’s autonomy and allowed people to make mistakes and be wrong than so much sadness could be erased. I’m not saying it would end all discrimination, that would be silly. I do think it would make the world a happier, more loving place though. And yet I cannot say these things, because I come off like a preaching, self-righteous, jerk.

So the world hates me. The world hates me because I am fat. The world hates me because I am Jewish. The world hates me because I do not want to be a mother, because I will not assume my role as “the wife”, because I refuse to bond over hating my body and diet-talk. The world hates me because I believe people should be able to kill themselves if they want and because I think patriarchy kills souls. The world hates me for so many things, and yet this wouldn’t be so traumatic if I could love myself. The world hates me for being a victim and for not picking myself up by my bootstraps as fast as they deem appropriate. Yet, I feel like I can’t and still live in the world. I feel in order to appreciate who I am, I would have to become a hermit and move away from all the hate people sling at one another. Because when anything semi-liquid is slung, there is back splash and spray and it gets on me and makes me hate myself. I hate that I can’t connect with people, or that I have to choose between connecting with them and being who I am.

So I am left with the same question that has been plaguing me for years, what is left, what do I do? If I can’t even find love for myself, or the goodness in the world and people, what the hell is left?

Racial Identity

As many people are aware, February is Black History Month. Now, I’m not down for a specific month or day which celebrates a particular minority. To me, that’s like saying the minority shouldn’t be recognized the rest of the time. It’s a sign that we still have so much work to do and that so many people are unaware of the implications of race in our society. My husband just told me that he didn’t even know racism and slavery existed before he moved to America. He was born and raised in Ukraine, coming over to the States at age 14, and never even saw a person of color before. He also likes to harp on me about how it’s more about culture, than about race, as that’s what he was taught, but we’re getting there. He’s starting to see more and more. Anyway.

For Black History Month our local university, Portland State, held a big event. There was a speaker and Soul food and some local artists. It was pretty amazing. Well, the artists were. It was during this event, or rather the three or four times I welled up with tears, that I realized I identify most with the Black culture. Don’t misunderstand me. I am not Black, that I know, and I will never understand what it is to be Black. However, we do share a lot of the same issues. Perhaps it is because I grew up in the South, and while us Southerners have a reputation for not being the most racially accepting people we still were at the forefront of Slavery. I’m not bragging about that. My point is that something good did stem from the horrific act of Slavery. The South is very well populated with Black culture. I speak of Atlanta specifically, which is where I was born, though Georgia is not the only Southern state by far to have a large Black population. This means all my life I was in the Black community. Black people were my neighbors, my friends, my lovers, my companions. And while my family is racist, despite their insistence otherwise, I never was. Instead, I saw a culture which was like home to me. The same way I feel about finding Judaism and asexuality, as though it is where I belong.

This realization is terrifying to me on so many levels. I know when people look at me they see a White woman. Though this is not how I see myself, I am not blind or stupid. And thus I wonder if this culture that I find at home in will find a home with me. Will people accept me? Will I be allowed to make friends, participate, commiserate, love? I think this is something I was trying to express in my Feminism, Privilege, Race and Other Stuff post. I have come to understand that “White People” who don’t just allow racist jokes, or racist policies, or racist whatever to pass us by without comment or assistance to change are generally not the “White People” being spoken about. I think that is what Black writers mean when they say “White People” shouldn’t feel ashamed or as though they’ve sinned. However, it becomes really hard to remind one’s self that they are not being included in a general subset like “White People” when one knows that they are seen as a “White Person”. When I read line after line about what “White People” do that is racist, or unhelpful or prejudicial, it becomes really frustrating. I am flippantly and sarcastically told that I deserve a cookie if I mention that I am not one of those “White People”.

And I understand, I do. I represent a race that has dominated, oppressed, tortured, ridiculed, shamed, murdered, raped, and so many other offenses I can’t even count, the Black race and many other races. I understand that there is a lot of emotion and tension built up on the subject. I understand that I can’t see every racial oppression and that things that affect Black people won’t affect me. However, I want to be able to stand with the people I love and feel the most connected with and fight the battles that need to be fought. When I put my fist in the air as a symbol of revolution and empowerment, I hope that the people of color around me will know I mean it with all my heart. I hope I will be able to show that I’m not just another privileged White Person trying to save the brown women from the brown men. I’m not a missionary trying to convert.

Does that make sense to anyone else? I know I will always be seen as White, because that is what my skin color says, even if my heart and soul speak differently. Is there a place in the world for someone like me?

The Double Standard of Pregnancy

There is one thing our society teaches women: they will never do anything greater than have children. Everywhere there is discussion of reproduction. From the highest level of our government with the President signing bills concerning whether or not a woman has the right to choose if she gives birth all the way to the insistent allusions to ticking biological clocks from strangers in passing, the issue of child bearing is a hot topic. Children are glamorized in every aspect of our Society. They are the future that the people must preserve our planet for, the hopes of tomorrow that carry on our legacy, and the icons to be better humans. The desire for children is broadcast for every family unit: heterosexual, homosexual, single or any variation in between.

Every media outlet is sure to let women know their job in life: to produce babies. Every middle class mother on television, in books, on the movie screen is shown telling their daughters, friends, husbands, doctors, and whoever will listen that having a baby is the single most important thing they will ever do in their life. It is all they want, it is the only thing to make life complete. Years ago it was marriage which held this sort of esteem, though only because it lead to baby making. Now that a woman no longer needs to be married, or even have sex with a man, in order to have children the nuptials are no longer important. And it is not enough for a woman just to rear children, to love them, to help them form as individuals. No. A woman must /birth/ a child. Only if a child is a biological match is it truly accepted, loved, and seen as the holy grail. Then the list of acceptable alternative methods declines from there. If a woman cannot physically give birth, she should find a surrogate to implant her egg in, or have the egg implanted with sperm by the doctor and then harvested into her uterus. On the bottom rung of the childbirth pool is adoption. It is only acceptable as a last resort.

With these messages running hard, fast, and furious through our society I am not surprised that girls are becoming pregnant sooner and sooner. I have read articles that attribute this to early puberty, the increase in sexuality in the media, the lack of proper sex education, and the dominance of men in our culture. While I do not doubt these things play a part in the rise of teenage pregnancies, I do not think that part is as large as we are being asked to believe. I believe teenage girls are taking this message of only being as worthy as the children they produce to heart.

There are countless studies showing the lack of self-worth in the majority of teenage girls. As women we understand the feelings of oppression that we face every day. We know what it is like to be forced to adhere to gender roles and society standards in order to survive. It was not long ago that we weren’t even allowed to vote, much less live our lives without being attached to a man. While the options a woman has has greatly increased, sometimes the future looks bleak. Especially for the girl who doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. The girl who feels left behind and left out. The girl who struggles to know herself or find a way in this world that is hers. A girl who is told she will never be able to be more than a waitress at a restaurant, or a rich man’s wife.

And when these messages of being worthless, unimportant, and lackluster are at their boiling point, when a teenage girl is so confused and frustrated with life and is at the whims of hormones and sorting our her own thoughts, there are the constant reassurances that babies make life better. There is no better feeling than holding one’s child in one’s arms. No one will ever love a woman the way her child does. If the child does well, then the mother is to thank, the mother has proven herself worthwhile. There is nothing in life that can ever compare to having a baby.

It doesn’t surprise me that our girls don’t listen to us when we tell them to wait to have sex and when we warn them about pregnancy and STDs. They don’t care, because even if they do have a baby, it will be the most beautiful, wonderful thing to ever happen. We tell our girls to go to college, to get a job, to travel the world and then have babies. We tell them not to ruin their lives so early on, not to get tied down to childcare and mortgage payments. That is like a whisper amongst the shouting of millions. Why should they waste so much time in college, in a career even, when their entire life will boil down to having a child? Why do we expect our young girls to heed our advice when we still put so much emphasis on them creating life?

No, I am not surprised that teenage pregnancy is on the rise, and I am not surprised that so many young girls are trying to get pregnant in order to fill something inside of them. It’s what our world is encouraging them to do, and until we begin to change that message, things will not change.

Conform to beauty standards, or…

Someone on one of my blogs recommended Manolo for the Big Girl because it was funny. I decided to add it to my feed in order to evaluate for myself. Then one day I came across a post where Plumcake asks what big girls who don’t dress “chicly” are afraid of. This upset me. It is yet another person calling out those who “don’t fit” and trying to make them feel ashamed and broken. It’s another hierarchy being created. Oh yes, we here at Manolo for the Big Girl are fat, but we’re “fashionably” fat because we do our hair and wear cool clothes and buy high heeled brand named shoes. Just like the healthy fattie discussion. Anyone who doesn’t adhere to this is obviously just coping out. There is no excuse not to dress up and look good! What is wrong with /you/?

Needless to say, I removed the feed and was going to leave it alone, especially after reading the comments which all rang in about how horrible it is not to dress nice and look one’s best. I wanted to leave it alone, but the post kept rising up in my thoughts and causing me to get upset and even more offended. So I returned, and saw that Plumcake had received an outraged response to the post and then asked her readers what they thought. Again, more comments about how shameful and inferior women who didn’t follow fashion were. There was even a comment associating how a woman dresses to her house not being clean enough to accept guests. I mean really folks, have we regressed to the 1900s here? I know the role of women has changed, and the work isn’t done, but we have made a lot of progress and this just breaks my heart.

I admit I posted a comment, which was likely too emotional and not logically sound. I hate letting my emotions get away from me, yet I couldn’t leave it alone. I encourage you ladies to voice your opinion of the situation, either here or there. I do not want to encourage any flamewars or nastiness, so please don’t go there to do that, just honest, open communication about this subject.

Celebrate America’s Next Top Model’s Acceptance

I am not ashamed to say I watch ANTM and I enjoy it. It’s one of my dirty little pleasures, as is most reality television. I’m not blind to the stereotypes it perpetuates, and I’m not blind to the ego of the panel, and I’m not blind to the other negatives. It, like everything, is not perfect. However, I do feel that it takes on a lot of issues, and offers a lot of good things.

For instance, on the latest cycle (11) there was a transgender contestant, Isis. Isis had amazing talent and was actually recruited by Tyra. I think this is an amazing thing. While I know the fashion world tends to be more accepting of a variety of people, we have to keep in mind that this show is nationally broadcasted. It is a show which has touched nearly every country, including several international spinoffs. That means millions upon millions of people see Isis, a beautiful transgender woman, in the mainstream where normally transgenders are stashed away in the dark. Isis could have went really far in the competition, though I think she psyched herself out which caused her early dismissal. I also think it allowed people’s concerns and fears to be publicly broadcast, and perhaps even encouraged discussion about the subject.

Let me tell you, some of the contestant’s responses were cruel, and disgusting and shallow. I’m sure the producers cut out the more jabbing of comments, because it is a show afterall, but the fact it showed any negative responses at all is a positive thing, IMO. I think this demonstrates just how ugly these thoughts and words can be. I think it shows how closed-minded people are, and I think when the girls later view their performances they’re going to be embarrassed. While I don’t want anyone to be shamed for what they think and feel, I believe that shining a spotlight on someone can sometimes provide a little insight. Though I wish theirs was a little less public, it is what it is.

I know Isis had some problems with being uncomfortable on set concerning wearing a swimsuit because she is pre-surgery, and I wish someone would have told her that the staff has her back. I think if something were exposed that shouldn’t be, the photographer would have ripped a new asshole in the person who dared any negative response. Then I think Tyra would follow suit. As self-centric as Tyra is, I believe she is a good person and wouldn’t have any of that bullshit. That doesn’t speak to the rest of the show’s crew, especially Sutan (one of the hair/make-up people) who has appeared on the show in drag. I wish there would have been more people who stepped up to Isis and was like “don’t sweat it, I’ve got your back” and maybe she wouldn’t have sweated the small stuff.

Of course, I completely understand where her fears and anxiety come from. She is a victim of terrorism and has to deal with the thought, every day, that it might be her last because of some silly ass fool who can’t handle who she is. So many of the contestants made statements about how in control and self-confident Isis is, how she doesn’t let shit get her down. I had to smirk when they said this, and comment to my husband, “Yeah, if they had to come to peace with the fact they could die, just by living, they would be more confident in who they are too”.

I know the show is about modeling, and the acceptance issue isn’t even close to being at the top of the agenda, but I do wish more of the downtime could have been focused on this elephant in the room. I feel as though since Tyra never brought it up with the girls, everyone was just pretending it didn’t exist on the outside. Yet, I am thankful that the invisibility was lessened, because even one inch is positive movement.

(Paying homage to my idea of Reward instead of Punishment. I would like to also cheer ANTM for the plus-size winner last year.)

A Question for Debate

It is argued (and is the opinion of this blogger) that it should be sociably acceptable to identify with a gender that is not the one a person was born with, and one should be able to become that gender if they desire. Can, and should, the same be said for race?

What is Thanksgiving?

When I was growing up, I was taught that Thanksgiving started with the Pilgrims and Indians. The Pilgrims had a horrible winter and would have starved to death were it not for the kindness of the Indians. As I aged I learned about the massacre of the Indians, who should be called Native Americans, and instead of the Pilgrims just being helpless colonist they were actually responsible for murder, mayhem, destruction and theft. I decided, at that time, that I wouldn’t be a supporter of Thanksgiving anymore. As I think back, it was likely just an excuse to get out of family gatherings. As ignorant and uncaring as it sounds, while the destruction of the Native American people is horrible, my juvenile self was much more self centered. It was always a holiday I shied away from because of my preconceived notions of negativity, but never bothered to really learn about, as so many “facts” circulated society. As I come into adulthood and have a family of my own, I feel it’s time to take another look at this American holiday, find out what its origins are, and really assess the validity of my earlier decision.

My first stop in learning was Wikipedia. While not always the most accurate, I find it to encompass a lot of information and I make sure to look at the citations before taking anything literally. My focus, also, is on the United States Thanksgiving Day. From my reading, it seems no one really knows when the first Thanksgiving was had, but that most everything that was taught concerning it is a lie.

The first recorded Thanksgiving was held by the Spaniards in 1565 in thanks of their arrival in a new world. The article specifically lists it as “Mass of Thanksgiving”, and given that Roman Catholicism is the major religion in Spain gives implication that this was a religious ceremony. The next recorded celebration was in 1619 when the Virginia colony gave thanks to God on the first day of their arrival per the group’s charter. Next, in 1621, the Pilgrims and Wampanoag surfaced with their Thanksgiving celebration. A major element with this, however, is that these people didn’t regard their celebration as “Thanksgiving”, as we do now, but as a celebration of the harvest which was traditional for both culture prior to this. While the Native Americans did teach the Pilgrims how to catch eel and grow corn, it was not the great feast and friendship that Charlie Brown would have people believe. Especially since a year later the Indian Massacre of 1622 took place. From this point, the idea of Thanksgiving was primarily based upon colony and culture:

The Pilgrims did not hold a true Thanksgiving until 1623, when it followed a drought, prayers for rain, and a subsequent rain shower. Irregular Thanksgivings continued after favorable events and days of fasting after unfavorable ones. In the Plymouth tradition, a thanksgiving day was a church observance, rather than a feast day.

Gradually, an annual Thanksgiving after the harvest developed in the mid-17th century. This did not occur on any set day or necessarily on the same day in different colonies in America.

The Massachusetts Bay Colony (consisting mainly of Puritan Christians) celebrated Thanksgiving for the first time in 1630, and frequently thereafter until about 1680, when it became an annual festival in that colony; and Connecticut as early as 1639 and annually after 1647, except in 1675. The Dutch in New Netherland appointed a day for giving thanks in 1644 and occasionally thereafter.

Charlestown, Massachusetts held the first recorded Thanksgiving observance June 29, 1671 by proclamation of the town’s governing council.

During the 18th century individual colonies commonly observed days of thanksgiving throughout each year. We might not recognize a traditional Thanksgiving Day from that period, as it was not a day marked by plentiful food and drink as is today’s custom, but rather a day set aside for prayer and fasting.

During the American Revolutionary War (1775-1783) in 1777, after victory at the Battles of Saratoga, the first National Thanksgiving Day was proclaimed by the Continental Congress to be on December 18th. The Continental Congress also proclaimed additional Thanksgiving Days every year or so throughout the war until 1784. These proclamations were heavily laced with Christian language and in support of the “just and necessary war” and very rarely done in November. No Thanksgiving proclamations were made again until 1789 when George Washington issued one as the first President of the United States. It wasn’t until 1863, under Abraham Lincoln, that Thanksgiving began to be celebrated annually on the last Thursday in November, without a government proclamation. It was Franklin D. Roosevelt that broke this tradition, and moved Thanksgiving to the fourth Thursday of November when the month had five, and the third when the month had four. Finally, in 1941 that the U.S. Congress passed a law dictating that Thanksgiving be celebrated annually on the fourth Thursday in November. Thus the holiday has evolved into what it is today.

The history of Thanksgiving in 700 words, ladies and gentlemen. If you’re still with me, congrats and thanks. What this all seems to boil down to, for me at least, is that Thanksgiving’s roots are in religious (namely Christian) celebration, praise of victory in wartimes, or when neither of the two were available, just a good ole slap on the back for America and praise for “the Almighty”. Even when the celebration was had for wartime, the proclamations were decidedly Christian in nature. So while families may not play up the religious side of the holiday, it definitely stems from religion. However, does that make it a religious holiday? As someone considering converting to Judaism, should I be partaking of this holiday because it is part of the history of my country despite the Christian connotations? Should I ignored the history of the holiday and instead focus on the ideal of thanking God, or my family, or myself for all that has been accomplished and received? Should I just be thankful and celebrate without worrying myself so much about what Thanksgiving really means? Is Thanksgiving just another consumerist holiday like St. Valentine’s?

Knowing what you now do about Thanksgiving, what are your thoughts?

In The Election Aftermath

I’ve refrained from posting about politics. Mostly because everyone else is talking about it so much, I was sick of it, and thus I’m sure a lot of others are sick too. I did vote and it was for Obama. I wanted to vote for a third-party candidate, because I wanted to speak out about the two party system our country seemed to be focused on, but this was such a pivotal election. I was terrified McCain would win, and I would never forgive myself if I didn’t vote for a party that had a chance of being elected. So there you go. I did experience a couple things on Facebook which I wanted to share with you all.

To protect people’s privacy, I’m going to call my friend Gandalf, who has two other friends: Shelob and Sauron.

Gandalf just donated his status to get out the vote for Barack Obama on Nov 4. Donate your status: http://causes.com/election/26350696?m=773350e e.via Causes – 8:55pm

Shelob at 9:05pm November 2
Unless you want to vote for LIFE, then pick someone else.

Gandalf at 9:17pm November 2
I don’t know that the whole pro-life/pro-choice debate is even worth having. Regardless of whether or not Obama or McCain is elected, neither one has the direct power to reverse Roe vs. Wade, so I’m not sure it particularly matters where they stand on the issue either way. Regardless, the whole abortion debate… it’s a fundamental belief a person has, and no matter how many convincing arguments you cite to support one side, the other side has equally convincing arguments to support theirs. The only difference is people on either side have chosen to weight one set of arguments more important to themselves than the other. No debate will change that.

Instead of the polarizing “YOU WANT TO KILL BABIES” vs “YOU HATE WOMEN AND ARE DENYING THEM THEIR RIGHT TO CHOOSE” argument, can we not agree instead to debate something more constructive, like how to lower the number of unwanted/teenage pregnancies?

ME at 4:01am November 3
I love you Gandalf and I think you make a good point. However, since you don’t have someone else dictating what you can and can’t do with your body, I think you can easily take that position. The problem, for me, is not that simply Roe vs. Wade but the fact women don’t have autonomy. Do you realize how difficult it is for a woman to be able to say she doesn’t want children? Not only are there romantic problems, especially with heterosexual, and societal ones (society seems to have adverse reactions to adoption. For some reason, a child sharing DNA w/ a parent makes them more accepted than one who doesn’t, and a wife isn’t fulfilling her duties if she doesn’t produce heirs, and apparently the whole purpose of life is to produce children), but doctors won’t even allow a woman to decide if she can be sterile. A man can get a vasectomy whenever he want without anyone’s permission, including his wife. However, a woman can’t get her tubes tied, or other forms of sterilization, without a long fight. If she is married, then she has to get her husband’s permission and prove this to doctor. If she is under 25 then she has to get several doctors to okay it. If she is over 25 then she still has to prove herself. Even if she’s in her 40s and childfree, doctors are reluctant. If a woman chooses to abstain from sex so she doesn’t get pregnant then she is considered a prude, or frigid, or a slew of other things. You know how difficult it is to live in our culture without sex. Anyway, it’s about more than just abortion.

Shelob at 9:54am November 3
You bring up some excellent points. Please understand I am answering you both in a soft voice with my blood pressure not accelerated in the least. Life is a rugged journey, no doubt. I am facing some really serious health issues myself, however, I believe you both have a choice. You make your choices depending upon your experiences and your beliefs. Your parents, teachers, and friends have helped you to formulate your opinions and over the course of time you will change your opinion as your experiences and beliefs change. Many of my friends can not have children. They want to adopt. There are no babies in this country to adopt so they are forced to go outside the United States to find a child. Aborted babies have no choice. The biggest killing in the world is not war, it’s abortion.

ME at 4:05am November 4
As I explained earlier not everyone has choices. Of course, it is your friend’s choice to insist on adopting a baby, thus needing to go out of the country, instead of adopting one of the millions of older children that need homes and love.

I think I pretty much summed up how I felt about this situation. It just amazes me every time a woman spouts this kind of crap. I feel so naive because I still don’t grasp the fact that some people always feel they need to tell others how to live. I am also amazed by the fact that even when presented with information about things people are still like “Really? Well, you’re still a murderer! You have a choice! You make baby jesus cry!” Seriously? The reason people shouldn’t be allowed to have abortions is because your friends can’t adopt an American baby and have to go overseas? Are you kidding me? Would this woman also be one to complain that mothers on welfare keep having babies and then the government has to keep paying for them? Or that a woman is frigid, or mistreating her husband because she doesn’t want to have sex in order to keep from getting pregnant? Or perhaps she would be the one to vote to ban birth control all together, so women are then forced to propagate. It just all makes me so frustrated and angry and GRRR.

The next quote is really long, so I’m putting it behind a link. The naming scheme is the same as above, except there are some other folks commenting as well. I posted the whole thing so people could follow, but I’m mostly focusing on the words of Sauron.

Alternet Articles on Feminist Issues

I thought this was a really informative and well written article on Alternet about misogyny in the military. I think this is a topic that is completely under-publicized and needs to be brought into the light.

There is also an article on feminism and sex workers that is very well done.

The feminist movement has several issues it focuses on as a whole which revolve around equality in at work and home, and autonomy. Yet severe issues like being able to serve one’s country with honor and living one’s life by making money from sex is glossed over and swept under the rug. I think it’s time these issues were exposed and remedied.

Glade’s Opinion of Women

The first Glade recent Glade commercial I’ve seen is where the leading lady lights a candle in her fancy little black dress and answers the door to find her friends waiting there. Of course they oooh and aaah over the fragrance, and instead of this woman confiding in her friends that she could buy this great product which doesn’t cost a lot, she decides to tell a bold faced lie. Yes, instead of sharing frugal tips with her friends she decides to act like she got a flippin’ candle from France, because being a bougy upper middle class person and flaunting one’s privilege always earns respect and envy. Of course, her friends all laugh and point out the lady has a Glade sticker on her bum. It’s just so funny when friends lie about things that don’t even matter! I thought this commercial would be one of a kind and Glade would realize how big of an idiot they’re being.

Instead there has been two more wonderfully intelligent commercials released. One playing to the holistic culture where this pompous woman invites her friends over for Yoga and tries to brag on the scent which makes her connect with her inner self. Of course, more giggling from the friends when they realize it’s a Glade plug-in. I haven’t quite decided if these friends are laughing because their hostess is so friggin’ stupid or if it’s a message from Glade that all women are airheads whom think lying and being pretentious is cute. I wish I could find links to these commercials y’all, but I’m sure you’ve seen them.

The one I dislike the most, which I am hard pressed to say, let me tell you, is where our lady is in the bath tub and is rung up by her friend. Then, of course, is the need to lie to said friend about being in a spa. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Seriously, Glade, what the hell possessed you to approve and produce such a bunch of bloody rubbish? I have to swear at you in British I’m so flippin’ angry and irritated by this. It’s just absurd. I swear I will never buy another Glade product, or any product produced by the mother company, for this atrocity. And you bet your sweet patootie that I’m going to be writing a strongly worded letter to Glade. I won’t be holding my breathe for a reply, but at least I’m speaking out.

I just don’t understand why they feel the need to portray women as lying, deceiving, privileged assholes. Nor do I understand how they expect to sell products, which are targeted towards women, this way. I would seriously like to meet the woman who watches these commercials and goes “AMAZING! I want to be just like this woman! Let me rush out to the store and buy Glade products so I can pretend to be something I’m not and try to make everyone else see me as better than them! That’s a marvelous idea!”

Is this the world we live in? Where people feel the need to pretend to be privileged and wealthy instead of just being who they are? Do we still feel the desire to assert superiority over others and maintain dominance? It’s just so sad.

The Significances of Hair

I have had long hair all my life. Usually it is shoulder-length, but has never been shorter than the chin, at least not until 2005. That is when I decided to shave my head. I did this for a lot of reasons. My Great Aunt was dying of cancer, and had lost all of her hair because of Chemotherapy. I’m not very good at socialization, but I wanted to connect with her in a way that let her know everything I was feeling and maybe let her know that even though I didn’t come around as much as everyone else, or sit by her bedside to hold her hand the last week before she died, that I loved her and she was a profound part of my life. It was also during a time when I wanted to question gender roles and female stereotypes. My husband and I challenge gender roles in nearly ever aspect of our relationship, and yet I find myself constantly questioning my femininity because I don’t cook or clean or do other “womanly work”, nor do I typically look like a woman “should”. I have never been a fan of make-up or nail polish, I don’t care about fashion or cute shoes or trendy purses; I couldn’t care less about starting a family or getting my hair done. I had felt like my second X chromosome was asleep. A hair cut, at first glance, doesn’t seem like much of a statement, but it was monumental. Not only I was challenging people’s interpretations of what a woman with a shaved head is (a butch lesbian? a transgender? a freak? a goth?), but also my own.

Hair has always been a major talking point through history. In the 18th century women either had long curly hair, where they wore a hat, or extreme wigs or hair which were piled high upon the head. In the 19th century, women who were out in society wore their long hair up as was proper, though country women (seen as less refined) wore it down, the length was still in question. In the 1960s, women had long, free flowing hair in rebellion of the culturally acceptable style. As far as I can tell, the only time women were ever encouraged to have short hair was during the 1920s – 1940s when flappers and Big Band Music was in style, although any shorter than chin/mid-cheek sparked questions and concerns. As a reality TV watcher, shows like American’s Next Top Model, and Paris Hilton’s BFF show girls breaking down into hysterics if anyone dares suggest they cut their hair short, dye it a new color, or do anything outside of the girl’s comfort zone. Many times I’ve heard the young women proclaim, “I don’t want it to change who I am!” What an absurd idea really.

As far as the feminist movement has come, there is so many little things which seem to be overlooked. Rosie the Riveter, an icon for the women during WWII who had to go to work, is shown with her beautiful clear skin and perfectly done up hair despite the hard days spent in the factories, and Wo! Magazine’s call to femininity with a thin, naked woman who has flowing hair and holding up the world. It seems the farther we fight society for our freedom, the more we lock ourselves into certain boxes.

Shaving my head provided the confidence for me to try several other variations including shaving my eyebrows and rocking a Mohawk. That’s not to say that this transition was easy and went along smoothly. My husband wasn’t 100% on board at the beginning, and we struggled and discussed and debated. While I was outwardly convincing him, I was internally trying to find my own strength and acceptance. I had to know that no matter how much I didn’t look like what society deemed a woman, that I still was. It seemed like as soon as I was comfortable with the idea, my husband followed suit (or perhaps he realized it was something I was going to do either way, so he better hop on board or risk the consequences). Now, my current hairstyle has settled somewhere in the middle and my days of asking “Is this womanly enough?” have dwindled.

Cheers for Candis Cayne and Transgenders

I watch Chelsea Lately. I know, activists everywhere groan with that admission. Chelsea, like Margaret Cho, are often times filled with “isms”. They’ve been made famous for shocking people, saying unladylike things, and being rude. I think that’s what appeals to me, because they break the mold of what a “woman” should be, and have made their way in the world without the need of a man. In a way that is feminism, but in another… well yeah. So, the other night I was watching and Chelsea and she had Candis Cayne as a guest. Candis is a very beautiful transgender woman. Chelsea doesn’t normally have many mainstream guests, so I was pleasantly surprised when they talked about Candis’ appearance on the ABC primetime drama Dirty Sexy Money. Not only does Miss Cayne appear on ABC as an actress, but as a transgender in a torrid affair with Billy Baldwin’s character.

I was impressed with ABC, because historically these types of roles were not played by actual transgenders. In fact, transgender characters as a whole were unheard of. So for a national television network to embrace such a character, and an actress, shows that society is definitely making a step forward. This is not to say there is no prejudices left, or that everything is hunky dory. I don’t have blinders on, but when someone does something good they deserve a cookie.

So congratulations to ABC, for doing the right thing, and for Candis Cayne for breaking the mold both on television, in beauty pageants, and in life.

Reward Instead of Punishment

I have never really understood why our society teaches to punish bad behaviors, but not reward for the good. If someone does what they are supposed to, then they are ignored. There have been countless stories about children in this dynamic. The one child who makes good grades, stays out of trouble and lives life doing the right thing is overlooked while the child who doesn’t do quite as well in school, gets into trouble and makes mistakes has attention poured on them. Granted, this attention is usually negative but any attention is better than no attention. At least, that’s what most child psychologists will explain to exasperated parents. And as so many things in life, that which we learn as children carries over into our adult life.

In an ideal world, perhaps those who did the right thing wouldn’t need praise because there wouldn’t be so many negative aspects. However, let’s be realistic. The world isn’t ideal and the people who do the right thing are lessening all the time. I believe in rewarding people for doing what they’re supposed to do. I’m not sure where the idea that doing right means not receiving love and appreciation, but I would wager a guess it can be traces through religion (specifically Christianity), but that may just be my bias. Specifically…

I believe when a man does not beat his wife, he should be praised and appreciated. I’m sure everyone can agree that men have always been the dominant figure. They are taught to only show “strong” emotions, and never weakness like sadness, mercy, or sympathy. Men are taught that they must defend their home, their families, and their country. Men are taught that to be men they must take part in “man” activities which are often violent, such as contact sports and hunting. Men are encouraged to undervalue women, to not maintain committed long-term relationships, and to gratify their animalistic desires to procreate, dominate, and destroy. Thus, when a man realizes that what society teaches them is wrong, that they don’t have to resort to violence, or be “tough” or dominate, they deserve to be praised.

When parents don’t beat their children, they deserve to be recognized and appreciated. So many things go into this. Violence often comes from people who lack the ability to express themselves with words, and our society has a history of oppressing every emotion, especially those deemed “sinful”. People still have not learned to communicate, or how to not control. Parents are taught to see their children as property that they have to control and mold, like some sort of pet. Women were also forced into the role of motherhood, unable to use birth control to stop unwanted pregnancies or have abortions when mistakes happen. They were forced into marriage and taught that they weren’t people, but living incubators whose sole purpose was to create life and obey their husbands. Men were forced into the role of fathers and husbands, before they even reached maturity. See above point concerning men and violence. Another factor is parents were taught to discipline their children with violence, do we forget the phrase “spare the rod, spoil the child”? Therefore, when parents learn that they cannot control every aspect of their child and cannot beat these children into submission, they should be praised. When parents learn that the way they were raised, and the discipline they received was not the most healthy way, they should be praised. When they realize their parents were human, and made mistakes, and they should learn from these mistakes and try to find a better way to raise their children, they should be praised. When parents realize they need to use their words to express disappointment, pain, fear, uncertainty instead of violence, they should be praised. When women know they don’t have to be mothers, and instead are able to make an educated choice from desire and love, they should be praised. When people stop looking at having children as an unfortunate event, something that ruins their life, and ends all their dreams, they should be praised.

I could go on for pages. I could list the reasons why someone who owns their privilege should be praised, or a teenager who doesn’t succumb to peer pressure to have sex or do harmful drugs, or when people aren’t homophobic or racist or sexist should be praised. We all know the stereotypes. We have to look at the state of the world, and see that obviously “punish the sin” only mentality is not working. People are tired of feeling ashamed when they make a mistake and being ignored when they try to be good people. Folks are sick of being grouped in with the negative, and being called out and insulted when they try to stand up and disassociate themselves.

It has always been my policy in life to ignore those who do the horrible things, because no attention is worse than calling them out, and to lavish praise, appreciation and acceptance on those who do the right thing.

Know Your Voting Rights: Write-in

With the election coming up, there have been more and more campaigns for voting. People who aren’t registered, or who choose not to vote, are splattered with names and accusations. These people are referred to as apathetic, or told they don’t have a right to voice their opinions about the state of their country due to this. I don’t agree at all. Someone who doesn’t vote still has every right to disagree. Let’s be honest here, voting does not always mean anything. I’m sure we all remember in 2000 when Al Gore won the popular vote but was still not elected as president. I am not encouraging people to stop voting, nor am I saying that voting does not count. What I am saying is the current way the system works, and the way people view elections, causes the system, in part, to fail.

Growing up I thought there were two possible choices for president. These were a Democratic candidate and a Republican one. I didn’t even realize there were other parties. It wasn’t until I was in my early 20s that anyone even clued me into the fact there was numerous political parties. I live in a rural area in the South, so obviously my education was indicative to my surroundings. My family is Democratic and no other political view is given any merit or allowed discussion in their homes. My situation is not dissimilar to many Americans. From an early age the elections seem to be two party, the media, the population, the educational system, they all revolve around two parties. It doesn’t help that a majority of the presidents have been members of these two parties. Thus people believe they have to choose between two people. That’s all the choice they have.

This is where I understand why people feel voting doesn’t matter. Presidential candidates, especially those of the Democratic and Republican parties, spend hundreds of millions of dollars for campaigning. Where does this money come from? Easy. It comes from lobbyist, organizations, and individuals all with their own agendas for how politics should go. Now, it would seem that a candidate would only receive donations from these places if they coincide with the candidate’s policies, only, let’s face reality. An organization is going to support whoever they think will win in order to get their agenda pushed. That’s the way this country works. We’re capitalists, money makes the world go ’round as unfortunate as it is. I’m not saying all candidates are crooks or there are bribes going on, but I am saying that when a corporation has a larger donor, that donor gets more perks than anyone else. A President can have all the best intentions in the world, but once they are elected those large donors want to see their money being put to good use. It’s frustrating and infuriating to realize this. I know when I took a PoliSci class I felt my heart break. I really felt as though the election didn’t matter and I had no say about how my country was going to be run.

Then my professor brought up the other political parties, that one could write-in candidates and voters weren’t stuck voting for one of two people. Holy Crackers, why did no one clue me into this fact from the beginning? There are candidates who don’t get hundreds of millions of dollars in donations and therefore are less likely to be a puppet on strings? I’m in.

Now, each state has it’s own procedure on who qualifies as a write-in. The write-in candidates are sometimes hard to find, but a little googlefu often works wonders. I found a list on wikipedia. There are other websites which provide information also. I have tried to find resources off-line which provide all the candidates running for president, but have been unable to do so. I’m sure the local voter’s registration office would provide some information on how to find out though.

I think it’s important for those people who feel their vote doesn’t count to be educated on the fact there are other options. I do agree voting between Democrat and Republican doesn’t mean much. Yes, their campaigns and policies can be quite different but once they get into office, is change really going to be obtainable? I’m skeptical to say the least. However, if people are able to move away from the focus of two parties, to see the vast selection that is there but less publicized, I think that is the kind of voting that could change things. I look at candidates like Nader, who has been running every term since 1994 on a shoestring budget, without other people telling him where to stand and not needing to kiss the asses of any group, and I wonder if more people saw this man, standing on his own, trying to speak for the people instead of the organizations, would folks still feel there is no hope?

So, instead of telling people to vote or die, calling them apathetic, hurling insults and criticism, and trying to dictate what rights they have based on whether they do something you feel they should do, perhaps take another route. Ask the if they’re aware of write-in candidates, if they know about the other presidential options, see if it’s ignorance that’s standing in the way. It might make all the difference, I know it has for me.

Margaret Cho, Misogyny and Feminism

So Margaret Cho is catching a lot of flack for her post concerning Sarah Pallin. Now, let me go ahead and say that yes, this post is misogynous. Yes, Margaret Cho was crude and crass and unladylike, and yes, in addition to being a smart, independent, successful women who happens to be a mother (and completely fucking ridiculous in her beliefs) Pallin is also incredibly attractive. I doubt I would do dirty things to her, because her personality totally turns me off, but I get where everyone is coming from.

I would also like to say that yes, it pisses me off when the only thing people have to talk about concerning Pallin is how she looks. I was watching the Letterman show yesterday (ya know, when he was pissed McCain bailed on him and so he had to lash out at our Republican candidate any way possible) and his music guy (why are they letting this guy talk anyway?) was all like “yeah, Sarah Pallin is hot. har har har”. It’s ridiculous and offensive and worst of all, it’s unoriginal and unintelligent.

However, in this case, it’s MARGARET FUCKING CHO yo. She has made her living off being a female shock jock if you will. She talks about being a lesbian, pussy, orgasms, sex, gay men, lube and any other sexually driven taboos the Western world knows (maybe even the Eastern when she takes it home). This is what she does. It’s not always intelligent comedy like George Carlin, but it is meant to shock, appall and make one think. I don’t agree with what Margaret Cho says, but I wasn’t surprised by it or disappointed. She’s doing her thing in a way only Cho knows how. Thus I say this Miss Cho:

Rock it, girl. Do your thang. Make your point and be true to yourself. Don’t backtrack just because a couple of people call you names and disagree. I mean, come on girl, isn’t that the whole point of what you’re doing? Aren’t you all about being outrageous and fabulous? And did you seriously do the whole “well she did it first and it’s /worse/ than what I said!” thing? Really? Margaret! You’re so much better than that. I think this response would definitely result in a “we don’t speak English” from your parents.

Reclaiming Bitch

Etmonline.com defines the origin of the word Bitch.

O.E. bicce, probably from O.N. bikkjuna “female of the dog” (also fox, wolf, and occasionally other beasts), of unknown origin. Grimm derives the O.N. word from Lapp pittja, but OED notes that “the converse is equally possible.” As a term of contempt applied to women, it dates from c.1400; of a man, c.1500, playfully, in the sense of “dog.” In modern (1990s, originally black English) slang, its use with ref. to a man is sexually contemptuous, from the “woman” insult.

“BITCH. A she dog, or doggess; the most offensive appellation that can be given to an English woman, even more provoking than that of whore.” ["Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue," 1811]

The adj. bitchy “bad-tempered” (usually of females) is first attested 1925. The verb meaning “to complain” is at least from 1930, perhaps from the sense in bitchy, perhaps influenced by the verb meaning “to bungle, spoil,” which is recorded from 1823. But bitched in this sense seems to echo M.E. bicched “cursed, bad,” a general term of opprobrium (e.g. Chaucer’s bicched bones “(unlucky) dice”), which despite the hesitation of OED, seems certainly to be a derivative of bitch. And cf. the mid-19th century U.S. blackface minstrel song verse about women’s rights movement:

When woman’s rights is stirred a bit
De first reform she bitches on
Is how she can wid least delay
Just draw a pair ob britches on.

Insult son of a bitch is O.N. bikkju-sonr. Slang bitchen “good” is first attested 1950s. Bitch-goddess coined 1906 by William James; the original one was success.

Reading this, I am flabbergasted why any woman would want to be defined or referred to in this manner. As a term of contempt applied to women, it dates from c.1400; of a man, c.1500, playfully, in the sense of “dog.” Playfully? Really? Folks, you have to be kidding here. Really.

I get it. I get the whole reclaiming a word, trying to turn it into something which does not scald one to the very bone. I get the intellectual ideology behind this. Yet, I find myself asking Why the fuck would anyone want to reclaim such a word?

I say we should ignore its very existence. When someone uses that word in a derogatory manner, we should regard them in the very same way we would someone speaking another language. Instead of letting it affect us, instead of trying to reclaim it, why do we even acknowledge it? When so much of the world is built to oppress us right out of the gate, when we are conditioned to hate our bodies and to take as little space as possible, when the only acceptable way to be a woman is to be timid and fragile and quit, I get why we want to recondition ourselves to be strong. I get that we woman want to let the world know that strength is not a male attribute, that we can be powerful and bold and in-your-face. By using the word bitch to define one’s womanhood, I understand that they are trying to associate the word bitch with independence, choice, ambition. We were labeled with this word by the men of our past, without choice or agreement, and now we are trying to correct them, to reaffirm our place in the world.

I say fuck that. Since we were not given the right to decide whether we wanted it, or what definition and affiliations were given the word, why even give it credit? It is not a descriptive word where the definition was there before it was misaligned and misused. It is not like the word fat, or beautiful, or funny, or smart. These words have a definition which was put in place and only the reaction to the word is different as one’s culture changes. Instead bitch has always been an insult to the female. The negativity of it has never changed.

So that is why when a woman uses it to describe herself my heart weeps. I see blogs where women actually only refer to themselves using on this word. “This bitch” did this and “When I was a little bitch” and so on and so forth. When I see this, I struggle between AAAAAAAAAA! and wrapping them protectively in my arms before whisking them off for deprogramming. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we say we’re fighting the good fight, to be our own people, to live our lives the way we want to and yet still apply the same labels and thoughts and standards?

It just doesn’t make any sense. So next time someone uses this word to describe someone, just give them a blank stare. Next time the word bitch is spat in your direction, respond simply with “English Motherfucker, do you speak it?” Eliminate such filth from your vocabulary, from your memory, and from your future.

{Note: I have mulled over this post for quite a number of days. I’m not entirely happy with the way it came out, yet it is a notion I wish to express. So I am publishing this and welcome all feedback and I hope my words come across more cohesively to you than they do to me.}

Feminism, Priviledge, Race, and Other Stuff

I am Jewish. My people were ostracized, murdered, raped, beaten, enslaved, starved, branded, insulted, and completely out of control. My people still are murdered, raped, beaten, branded, insulted, discriminated against and they still have little control. In America, we are still without the ability to worship as we wish and not be made to feel ashamed. Jewish slangs still run wild, statements of a false messiah still shoved in our faces with “In G-d We Trust” on the currency we’re forced to use, a court system which requires us to swear on The New Testament to show our truthfulness, and the inability to wear our religious symbol, the Star of David, without being called heretics or witches. It is not okay to be Jewish in this society.

I am Native American. My people were enslaved, beaten, raped, murdered, starved, insulted, ostracized. They were forced off their lands and made to conform to the ideology of the settlers. They were stripped of their religion, clothing, education, social structure, and in essence, everything and forced to conform to ideals which they didn’t believe in. In America, we still are without these basic rights packaged into the “American Dream”. We live on reservations, and are “given” land out of the goodness of the government in which we can “be free” as we were all those years before the settlers came.

I am Fat. My people are insulted, beaten, raped, ostracized, and publicly ridiculed. We are lab rats where scientists strive to medically “fix” us, and shame into hating our very existence. We mutilate, torture, starve, neglect, and otherwise abuse ourselves, even when our captures stop, because we are told that we are wrong. We go out into the world every day and know people cross the street to avoid being around us, that women rush home to vomit what they’ve eaten because the idea of being us is terrifying, and that we are considered diseased.

I am a Woman. My people are insulted, beaten, raped, ostracized, regulated, enslaved, branded, starved, and have little to no autonomy. We have been subjected to this for ages. We have no say so over what goes into our body, nor what comes out. We are schooled to believe we cannot exist without a male counterpart, and that if we dare try to go against this education then we deserve whatever happens to us. We are ignored by the medical community, and any illness that just happens to pop up is considered due to hysteria, lack of childbirth, lack of marriage, lack of make-up, lack of hairspray, lack of femininity.

I am a Human Without Sexual Orientation. I am not attracted to a specific gender or sexual reproductive organs, I fall in love based on the soul attached to the body. My people are ignored at whatever lengths are necessary. If, by chance, we force attention upon ourselves then we are beaten, raped, murdered, insulted, and pushed back into the shadows with every fiber that people can muster. We cannot share intimate gestures with our partners, unless our couplehood can be seen as heterosexual in nature. Our lovers cannot match their bodies to their souls without being questioned, regulated, violated, governed and “allowed”. We cannot be who we are without being put under a microscope, studied, prodded, and analyzed.

I am Poor. I live below the poverty line. My mother and father do, my grandparents do, and my entire family line does. My people are ridiculed and punished. We are unable to find the stability to know when our next meal will come, if we will have water to bathe our children before school or to groom before finding a job. We are unable to get help without being made to feel as though we are lazy, worthless, and a drain on society. We are accused of using our children to weasel money out of “good citizens” when we simply cannot afford birth control or do not believe in it. We are uneducated and cannot keep up with the rising demand of degrees in the job market, and therefore are left without adequate pay to support ourselves and our families. We sometimes have no homes and are forced to rely on the kindness of strangers, when those strangers are taught to hate and fear us. We are pitied instead of helped, and ignored instead of understood.

I am also White. This racial identity cancels out the other elements of who I am. I am simply White. At least, that is a lot of what I am hearing from folks. Despite the fact I come from a long line of persecution, suffering, and minorities, I am still White. I am told that I should seek absolution every day for the things my ignorant, hateful, and wrong ancestors did and the things people of my race still do. I am told to be ashamed of my race, because we are granted privilege and freedoms. I am told I will never understand what it is like to be judged based on the color of my skin, and I will never know hardship or misfortune. I am told that everyone is colored by their individual privileges but mine is the worst of all, simply because I was born the way I was.

I am not denying that my race has privilege. America was built on the White ideal. I am not denying that I will never understand what it’s like to be a WOC (Woman of Color). I am not denying that some fucked up shit happened due to some fucked up white people, and I’m not denying that our world is still fucked up.

I am denying being ashamed. I will not be ashamed of my race. I will not spend every day making absolution for the things my forefathers and current fathers (and mothers, and brothers, and sisters and folks I would never want to be related to me in any way) do. I will not feel less simply because someone who has similar characteristics to me does things I do not agree with. I will stand with my fist raised to fight against any wrongdoings I see. I will stand with my White sisters as they fight to put down the apron, be equally compensated for their work, live a life where they are free to be unmarried and/or without child. I will stand with my Black sisters as they fight to live in a neighborhood without violence, to rally against the beauty ideals set down by their oppressors (as if white women have a hard time conforming then black woman aren’t even given a chance), to become educated and accepted in the professional world, and to gain every right that a White person has. I will stand with my Latin sisters and Chinese sisters and Russian sisters. I will stand with my Men who fight to be able to show emotion other than anger and power, who want to wear dresses or “feminine” colors, or want to raise children.

I will stand and I will fight.

So please, stop telling me I should be ashamed of who I am. Stop telling me I do not want “you” in my fight and that I do not include you in what I’m fighting for. Please stop making accusations about who I am and what I am about without knowing me. Please stop grouping me into a stereotype. I understand when you say “white” you really mean “Middle Class White” or even “Middle Class White Man”. I understand you are angry and frustrated. I understand that you are wronged and feel left out. Instead of lashing out at me, insulting, persecuting, please embrace me and let me embrace you. Please join hands with me and fight with me against my oppression and allow me to fight with you against yours. Please remind me of my ignorance when it happens to flare, and let me remind you that suffering is not exclusive to race, religion, gender, or ability.

I will fight with you, I will fight for you. I will listen to your hurt and shame and fury. I will be there for you and I will do whatever I can to become educated, to self-realize, and to alter my thinking process, actions, or misstep if needed. I promise to celebrate you, if we can celebrate our differences.

Just please, stop hurling accusations at me for things I do not do, for things I cannot control, and for people I do not associate with. Please stop believing we are all the same, and that our intention is to misuse, misunderstand and ignore you.

Disciplining Children

A very interesting post was made by Womanist Musings that I wanted to share here. I have also been a victim of child abuse, and my parent’s answer to anything was violence. I’ve seen more domestic violence in my life than I would ever wish on another being. I also agree that spanking and such violent disciplines do nothing with educating the child. I actually agree 100% with everything said in that blog post.

Nonetheless it got me thinking. While my grandmother doesn’t believe in violent discipline, we were always taught growing up that when a child is very young sometimes you have to show them their violence hurts, because they don’t have the cognitive ability to understand yet. This would be a period of time when the child is 5 years of age or younger. For instance, when a toddler bites another, then the parent/caretaker has to therefore bite the toddler to show them it hurts. Of course, it wouldn’t be in the same hard way. My grandmother describes it as doing it just enough, demonstrated by when the child responds by, say, opening their mouth as if to say “ow” or scrunches their brow, to let the child feel what they are doing. This makes sense to me in a lot of ways, but it also brings up other questions.

Now, I am child-free and have no desire to have them, but the constant demand of society for me, as a woman, to have children definitely makes me think about my skills and reactions if I were to become a parent. I am told that children do not react violently by themselves, it’s a learned reaction. However, I also have my doubts that a toddler has the ability to process such things. Therefore, for this post, I am assuming that a toddler reacts violently in situations, not due to having a learned behavior, but because it is an primal response before they learn how to use their words to communicate what they are feeling. So now the situation becomes that a parent or parents who do not believe in violence have a toddler which is reacting to being angry, upset, hurt by biting/kicking/smacking/etc. What is the proper way of teaching this toddler that violence is unacceptable? Is my Grandmother’s method a good way? Or does it perpetuate the violence? Since a toddler lacks the cognitive abilities to be able to understand the reasoning behind not doing these actions, and the benefits of using words (if they can even speak at this time), what else is left?

I am not attributing my Grandmother’s methods with child abuse, but it is an act of violence. It seems like this instance is of two wrongs, but I can’t put my finger on what the right is.

Judgments Run Deep

Rachel over at The F-Word posted an exercise for her readers in reference to the epidemic of fat kids. I thought it was a great post and was interested to see what folks said. Unfortunately, I was quickly offended and taken back by some of the responses.

Several of the comments talked about what people purchase with their food stamps, passing judgment on a parent who chooses to buy pre-packaged food as opposed to cooking from scratch. I can’t help but feel those judgments just add fuel to the “eat healthy and be thin” fire. One comment stated people need to “learn to cook” and “If I were using food stamps, I’d do my damnedest to make that money stretch as far as possible, because we all know that it’s never enough as it is.” Leaving aside the fact this person is speaking from a hypothetical point of view (and one never knows what they would truly do in a situation until they are in it), let’s address what comments like these really say. If a parent doesn’t cook everything from scratch then they aren’t doing everything they know how to make their food stamps stretch. That if a parent doesn’t devote themselves to cooking then they are a bad parent.

One commenter offered “that it is your duty as a parent, rich or poor, to do the best by your child/ren that you can, and in my world, that does not include feeding them crap when you are on a budget.” Again, indicating because not everyone can be a champion in the kitchen, that they are a bad parent. Not everyone is blessed with skillz in the kitchen, and not everyone has the time to devote to learning or doing. Everyone’s mileage varies. I wonder if these people can realize that making others live by their own standards is the same as someone else making them live by theirs. It just gets ridiculous. Everyone cannot do the same things and we have to stop trying to make everyone fit into a box. Perhaps pre-packaged food is not the best, I’m not arguing that it is, but I don’t think it makes a parent less just because they cook from a box. My grandmother always believed it was more important to devote time to her family than to cook from scratch and keep the house clean. Was she a perfect mother? No, but she saved my life.

Thankfully there were a couple of commenters who really laid out the realities of trying to be a single parent and cook from scratch, as well as everything else, but I’m not sure the first commenters really listened.

Aside from that, as a fattie I live my life facing people every day who tell me if I just “show a little discipline” I could be thin and healthy like I should be. If I would just “eat the right foods (or go without food sometimes)” then I would be able to shed pounds and be beautiful. If I would just “exercise and watch what I eat” then I achieve a toned, healthy, beautiful body which will make men want to marry me (or, at the very least, have sex with me). There have been claims that fat people are causing global warming and the American deficit. I was recently sent a “joke” video called “three reasons to quit drinking” where one man awoke to find a pair of plus-sized panties in his bed. In another clip the man awoke to having a dismembered arm handcuffed to his wrist, and the third was a man who awoke with a chimp in a very provocative position. So, having sex with a fat person is associated with having sex with animals and dismembered bodies. Seriously. Look at the correlation between those phrases and associations and things like “people need to learn to cook” and “… the day I buy frakkin’ Lunchables for my son will also be the day I vote Republican, become a Christian, and buy an SUV”.

When are we, as unique individuals, ever going to understand that not everyone is the same? That people have to make decisions and do what they think is best for themselves, even if we don’t agree and that /doesn’t/ make those people any less. Yes, a capitalist can be a good person. Hell, a /Republican/ can be a good person. Just like fatties can be good people, or drunks, or Christians, or convicts. Get off your fuckin’ high horse folks.