Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner

Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
There was a lot of things I loved about this book, and a lot of things I hated.

Pros:

- The fact that the heroine did find love, at her size, and that she had love before. Also that she had friends, and a successful life, and many of the things she wanted. She wasn’t waiting to lose weight before having a life.

- The honest body talk. Cannie talks about her body in the same way most every other person does. Even though she is on the smaller size of being “fat”, she still sees herself as this horrific creature who doesn’t deserve love or happiness because she’s fat. It was great to mention the white elephant in the room.

- Cannie was honest about why she wanted to lose weight, why she needed to lose weight. It was only because she wasn’t attractive according to the world as she saw it. She wasn’t acceptable to herself and felt unacceptable to everyone else. It wasn’t this hiding behind being healthy crap.

- The doctor was honest about the weight loss. He admitted that the medical world doesn’t know what makes a body fat or thin, yet they still push this archaic idea of calories in and calories out. He admitted that even with medicine and surgery, the ability to change a person’s body is unknown and it is very unlikely any weight lost will stay off. He also didn’t preach, mostly, about healthy related illnesses which the medical community claim to be caused by obesity.

- Cannie was smart, witty, and Jewish. I love that her mother was queer, and that the family was a little dysfunctional but still loving. I thought the characters were well fleshed out and surprising in some ways. I also liked the way that Cannie didn’t mind talking about being fat. Even though it wasn’t in a positive light, she still talked about it. And not in hushed voices like someone would say cancer, she was really willing to bust out with it.

- There was no glamorization of Cammie’s unhealthy weight loss. She wasn’t praised and the doctor specifically said she needs to eat.

- The ex-boyfriend was/is still in love with our heroine.

Cons:

- Completely unbelievable. A fat journalist just happens to find herself in a situation to become bosom buddies with a movie star that whisks her off to vacation and buys her furniture after one bonding experience. Puh-lease.

- Standard white middle class privileged problems. The lack of heterosexual marriage, having a baby out of wedlock, the whole coming to turns with that and how childbirth makes everything worthwhile. It’s the same played out story. Plus it went way off into the fantasy spotlight when Cannie’s screenplay hit big and everyone lived happily ever after.

- She is still in the lower side of the fat spectrum. I don’t consider a 14-18 being anything to bat eyelashes at.

- I also find the boldness of Cannie to talk about her fat a little off-putting as well. I think this is due to the fact she is so depressing and self-deprecating. Of course, that’s what makes her wry wit so good, however it can get old as well. This goes on both sides of the list for me.

View all my reviews.

The Diet-But-Not-Diet Trend

I’ve noticed a trend within the fatosphere lately. Maybe it has always been there, and my being new resulted in it going unnoticed before. It was mentioned before in my Creating Community post; “it” being the whole hierarchy between the good fatties and the bad. More and more I’ve noticed entries which discuss healthy eating, which hold food as moral character indicators, and posts outlining how the authors needs to incorporate more physical exercise into their life. To me, these things sound oddly similar to a diet. The regulation of food, the insistence on exercise, the weighing of what foods should and shouldn’t be eaten. And while there is also mention of listening to one’s body and enjoying the exercise, something inside of me is struggling.

Perhaps it is because every time I read these posts I feel as though I am not doing my part to represent the fat world. I am not trying to eat healthier, and by that I mean trying to choose mostly vegetables and whole grains or exclude soda. I do not exercise, and I do not want to. I don’t really enjoy the whole physical exertion thing. There are some things I’m doing, such as eating less meat or taking an Omega 3 supplement, though none of these things are to be healthier. And I worry, if I am judging myself based on these entries and deciding whether or not I’m a good fattie, what are these things doing to the writers?

Am I way off base here, folks? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill or are more and more fat acceptance blogs concerned more with being healthy (It seems they all follow HAES as well) and fat than just acceptance of all fat?

Being Fat in College: Finding Proper Seating

I’ve been wanting to return to school for ages, and it is with a bit of shame I admit one of the major obstacles holding me back has been finding suitable seating. Since I am nearly 400lbs, the tiny seats most institutes provide, whether it be amphitheater type seating or individual desks, just don’t cut it. I do not fit. If I try, I find myself spilling over the sides, unable to take notes and with half my body in pain. It is not a pleasant experience, and even now I get a little misty-eyed thinking about it. When I flunked out of college the first time, a little part of me was happy that I wouldn’t have to subject myself to such conditions again. There would be no more flashbacks to high school and being called “fatswell”. There would be no more dropping of the pencil and being unable to retrieve it, without standing up and moving desks around and causing all kinds of distraction while the professor was talking. Most importantly, there would be no more pain and inability to concentrate on what is being taught simply because I could not focus, my mind was filled with self-hatred, disappointment, and anger. How can a fat person succeed when they can’t even find a seat?

It was several years after I flunked out that I found myself in the FA community, learning new things and hating myself less. It was one particular posts by Aunt Fattie at Shapely Prose that the idea dawned on me to even request adequate seating. It was a big deal. I’ve saved that post, reread it several times, talked about it with my husband, reread it several more times and began working up my courage. One day, I would go back to school, and I would ask for proper seating. To some, it may not have been life changing but it was to me. Again, with the misty-eyed (I tend to be quite the cry baby folks).

So this term I enrolled at Portland Community College, on the Sylvania Campus. I was wrought with fear and concern; would the professor laugh at me? Would the College tell me to get over it? Would I be put into the spotlight, where students could laugh at me behind my back or to my face? Would the administration promise one thing and then keep putting me off? Certainly I wouldn’t be the first to ask for proper seating. Certainly they would have to adhere to a reasonable request, because it is a reasonable request, but how much turmoil was I going to have to stir up? Would I even be strong enough to stand up to it or would I simply drop the class and try to finish my education online only? Needless to say I had built the situation up in my head. The first day of class I did a quick survey of the room, and without hesitation walked up to my professor, “I can’t fit into these chairs, do you have any suggestions?” Let me explain that my lack of hesitation was due less to the fact I had convinced myself things would be okay and this was the right thing to do, and everything to do with the fact that I didn’t think. Otherwise I would have given myself another anxiety attack before class and would have never made it in.

The response was positive. The professor looked confused at first, though I do not think it was because a fat person was daring to ask for accommodation (she’s just not like that), but quickly took in the situation and offered other solutions. Turns out, there was a table in the back of the room with chairs for disabled students. There were only two seats available but it would do. I was a little embarrassed for not seeing it at first, but thankful it was there. I took my seat, filled with pride, and awaited for the class to fill up. I saw several women of size come in, and each of them shoved themselves into these tiny desks, despite the fact a seat next to me was open. My pride was dwindling with every new fat girl who did this. They would look at me, at the empty seat, and still choose the desks.

I thought maybe it was just me, not wanting to be close to a stranger. Next class, I thought, they’ll see how warm and friendly I am and will feel more comfortable taking the bigger seat. Yet, the next class was very similar. No one sat next to me. There were plenty of fat girls in the surrounding areas, and over the four hours we were together in class many of them commented about being uncomfortable, about their legs falling asleep, about having to sit in these tiny vessels, and yet not one made a move. I’ve even offered to some of them, when they would whisper about their discomfort to me as though we are in some secret sorority, that they should try out the chairs and the table. It’s very comfortable, I feel so much better not having to fight with the desks. I exchanged complaints with them concerning the desks and remarked, “Yeah, that’s why I’m glad I got this seat. You should come sit with me.” They just smile shyly and shake their head. I’m amazed by this.

There are 20 women in my class, I would say half of them are fat. Yet I am the only one who will sit in the seat.

The Inner Fat Hater

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have an inner fat hater. This is not a voice which tells me how unacceptable I am, nor that I shouldn’t eat what I do. It is not a voice that tells me I’m ugly, or worthless, or shameful. No, it’s much worse than that. It’s a voice that tells me everything negative the world thinks about me. It reminds me, constantly, that while I may be okay with who I am and there are others who may be okay with it as well, most of the population still judges me based on my fat. As I’ve gotten more and more into the fat acceptance movement, I find myself trying to share the knowledge I’ve accumulated. I try to offer up the tidbits of science, research, theory, philosophy, etc., that I’ve picked up along the way. It isn’t much, but I offer it with whole heart. Yet I feel defeated before the words are even spoken, because no one is going to take a fat person seriously.

If I tell someone I don’t eat citrus fruit, because I hate the taste, my inner fat hater is quick to tell me that person is thinking “of course you hate fruit, you’re fat!”

If I tell a fellow classmate that there is no scientific data to support the fact that being fat is detrimental to one’s health, the inner fat hater smirks and reminds me my classmate isn’t listening because “of course a fat person would say that.”

When I stand up and try to speak out about fat discrimination, my inner fat hater tells me that no one cares because “fat people are just trying to justify their weak willpower and laziness.”

In my Women’s Studies class we talk about finding friends, partners, lovers, etc., which go against gender roles and the traditional ideals in order to break boundaries and make change. I want to tell everyone about my husband, and how I actively sought someone who did those things and who would accept me and want to make our lives ours without society’s standards dictating them. Yet I don’t, because my inner fat hater tells me “Yeah, but you’re fat” as though it discredits my being, and then adds any number of things such as “you would only be able to get married if you found someone who wasn’t a ‘real’ man” or “you’re lucky to even find a mate”.

Needless to say, I really hate this inner fat hater. I feel as though it takes self-sabotage to a whole other level. It is difficult to project confidence, whether real or pretend, when there is a voice whispering all the hateful things people say about fatties. It is hard to be full of conviction when speaking about facts concerning being fat and healthy when the inner fat hater’s voice is louder than one’s own. It is nearly impossible to make a believer our of others, when one cannot even convince the inner fat hater.

Do you have an inner fat hater? How do you quiet its voice?

Riding Greyhound While Fat

I took a trip cross-country on Greyhound. That’s right, from Athens, Georgia to Portland, Oregon. Many of you will say I’m crazy, and you would be right. It was the worst trip of my life, and something I would never do again. However, we were moving here on a very tight budget so we didn’t have much choice at the time. Nonetheless, I was surprised that my weight didn’t cause more problems.

1. Seating: I was lucky enough to be sitting with my husband the entire time, and I do pity the person traveling alone, especially if it’s a full bus. I am nearly 400 pounds and while the seats did fit me, there was definitely some spillage over into the other seat. I encountered three different seat types actually. Ones which were contoured with arm rests on both sides. These sits allowed the isle to be larger, though I still had to walk down the aisle sideways as not to bang up my legs. Sideways did offer less harm to myself, but if people were leaning into the aisle just a bit I had to kind of weave my way back and forth to avoid hitting them with belly or butt. Also, the armrests on the outside of the aisle seat, and the one in between the seats, did rise up to make more room. The armrest next to the window did not, which I found perplexing. There were seats nearly identical to the ones I just outlined, only they did not have an armrest on the inside, which severely cut down on the room, and makes a fat person having to sit next to another person nearly impossible. Neither party would be comfortable. The third seat type was larger, though making the aisle smaller which is a con, and the outermost armrest raised. The middle armrest did…mostly, but it seemed to cause me more problems that way and it felt better just to leave it down. Again, the armrest against the window did not move. My aunt had suggested to me to get the back seat, because it has three seats instead of two and may be more comfortable, but there is a major lack of leg room back there and I found it to be more uncomfortable then a normal seat. Plus, it’s right next to the bathroom. Ick.

Priority Seating: I thought this was a nifty thing. For $5 more, a person can choose priority seating which means they get to enter the bus ahead of everyone else and pick out which seat they want without judging eyes. It’s not just putting a person in the front of the line. Priority seating allowed a person to board about 15 minutes before everyone else, so they were able to find a seat and compose themselves before the rest of the passengers even begin to arrive. Unfortunately this service is not offered sometimes, like when buses are running behind schedule, so be sure to plan ahead.

Bus Station Seating: The bus stations had plenty of seating, and it was plenty large enough for us fat folks. I never had to stand when I didn’t want to, and I was in the terminal with close to 400 people once.

Bathrooms: It’s probably obvious, but it’s very unlikely a fat person is going to be able to use the onboard restroom. Not only is it positioned to be an utter inconvenience for a fat person to open the door to get into, it just simply can’t accommodate most sizes. My husband is 5′8 and about 220, wears anywhere from a 34 to 38 pants (depending on what he’s been up to lately) and had a hell of time. He was even lucky to be able to stand up to take a leak. I would recommend staying away from foods that cause bowel movements and drinking too much liquid. The bus station bathrooms weren’t bad. Some of the stations I were at had problems, because the handicapped stall was out of order and it made it difficult to use the smaller ones, but for the most part everything was a-okay. Thank goodness Greyhound seems to try to be ADA compliant.

On a separate note, why do all the handicapped stalls have toilets that are 6 feet off the ground? I am short, dammit, and I can’t properly handle my business and clean myself up from that business when I can’t even squat over the damn toilet.

People: I found most folks to be on the rude side. They push, they cut, they snicker and make jokes. I actually had one guy made a rude comment about my size while I was trying to find a bus. Granted we were all exhausted at this point, and he was a young, punk kid asserting his dominance over the fat kid so everyone would think he was cool, but it nonetheless was unacceptable. I just walked away, cried a minute in an empty seat I found, and moved on. If I would have had to share my seat with someone other than my husband during this trip, I think I would have experienced much more ridicule. The whole feel of the people on the bus was…hostile almost. I had another guy who sat behind me, tell me I couldn’t sit in front of him because his legs were so long they jammed up against the back of the seat and thus I couldn’t put my seat back. As though I needed to do that in order to fit. I didn’t, and I don’t normally put my seat back when I travel because I think it’s rude. No one has any space on buses and planes, why do we put our seat back and make the other person that much more uncomfortable?

Food: The website says that the buses stop during meal times, which might be true, but there is a serious lack of food. Some of the stations have restaurants inside, but their hours may not agree with the travel schedule a person is on and therefore they are left with only vending machine food. Very few actual restaurants were stopped at, instead one had to help themselves to gas station/trucker stop food. That was even if the place had more than chips and beef jerky to offer. And since I had three 8 hour layovers at different stations, sometimes I went 10 or 12 hours without eating. Not because I was unprepared, I did bring food with me, but because I ran out due to all the delays we were subjected to. It was nuts.

My opinion is that if it’s a short trip, like a day, then the bus may be the way to go instead of planes. There is a much higher chance of having one’s own seat, and there is no charging for People of Size bullshit. Plus there is no need for a seatbelt extender. It may take longer, but it also may save some anxiety. I know it did for me. Plus it’s harder to lose one’s luggage on the bus, since the traveler is in charge of moving it from bus to bus. However, anything longer than a day is likely better served with plane fare. I hate it as much as the next guy, yet an alternative has yet to be found.

Chelsea Lately Guest “Ruby”

There has been some discussion throughout the FA community about the show Ruby on the Style Network. I haven’t watched the show, nor do I want to. I don’t think I’m ready to face that kind of message, being so new to the FA world. However, Ruby’s interview with Chelsea bothered me, especially when it came to the discussion of her boyfriend.

Apparently Ruby’s boyfriend from the show dumped her because she was unable to lose weight. Ruby went on to say that she doesn’t blame him because men are more partial to the physical, they can’t help it and that’s the way they’re born, and so her boyfriend couldn’t get over the physical. She also states women are more nurturing. It seems like the Style Network went out and found the most accurately media-defined woman and gave her a show. What do I mean by accurately media-defined woman? I mean the women that are portrayed in every television show, book, movie, and newspaper article. It’s the woman who is completely convinced that the world’s “truths” are absolute and has never considered to question otherwise. It’s the woman who has been trained to fit the universal gender role, and thinks this is the way it is supposed to be. It is the woman who hasn’t even considered accepting herself for who she is but instead believes in fitting in at all costs. It’s just sad folks.

Ruby really does seem like a lovely person. She comes across, in the interview at least, as sweet, loving, and caring. Yet, I can’t help but wonder how much of that is really her and how much of that is what she thinks she’s supposed to be. I don’t know about anyone else, but when a person has such a large part of herself defined by other people, it makes me very suspicious. I also wonder if she’s exhibiting those traits as a way to make up for how much she weighs. This thought really breaks my heart. Perhaps it was because only a short while ago I was extremely similar to this woman. I was ashamed about my weight and would have done anything to get rid of it. While I had learned to appreciate some of my untraditional beauty, there wasn’t more than a second that went by when I wouldn’t have traded it in to look like Pam Anderson or Angelina Jolie. What I wouldn’t give to be able to just put that first inkling of self-acceptance in these women’s heads. I wish I could be the spark. I understand truly how empowering that spark can be.

So I’m thinking about starting an email campaign for Ruby. I encourage everyone to go to her blog and leave information about FA and Intuitive Eating. Go to the show message boards and share information about Health at Every Size. However, please remember to be extra special polite. We are likely going to face a lot of resistance and debate, and possibly even some trolls. I do not support fighting fire with fire though. I believe in non-violent communication and resistance, which means do not respond to snark with snark, leave sarcasm out of your discussion posts, and ignore any intentional bullying. Stick to the fact, stick to being supportive and helpful, and don’t waste your time arguing with people who honestly don’t care what you have to say they just want to discredit you.

I think this is a great opportunity to share our FA with people who likely haven’t been exposed. Ruby has great charisma, and she can relate to the general population of woman out there. The same women we want to reach with our message of hope, love, and acceptance.

After Thanksgiving Wears Off

The holiday season at my house, as I suspect is the same for most all families, is filled with negative body talk. I think now that I am more aware of the misconceptions concerning being fat, it’s easier for me to not immediately resort to shame when someone talks about their body. It also makes me sad though, because I want to share my new insights with my family members (we’re female majority) but I know they are simply not ready to acknowledge anything besides what they think they already know. This isn’t just assumption on my part, I’ve actively tried to talk to them, share links and research and what not, but was shut down several times. In one conversation, to give an example, my Aunt responded to the statistics and information I provided concerning WLS surgery with “I think it’s supposed to teach people how to eat right”. That took me by surprised and as I explained that WLS actually deprives the body of nutrients and causes starvation, they looked at me and then went on to talk about how WLS is really great. (Does anyone else notice their need to justify why they have formed the conclusions they have about things, especially family and friends?)

My older cousin ran around insisting people feel her bicep and stomach muscles, exclaiming how much energy she’s had lately since she’s started ADD medicine. It’s been so wonderful, she states, because it makes her not want to eat so she’s lost 11 pounds. I think to myself, isn’t that what speed does too? Is she really ADD (she’s 27, and the story goes she told her doctor she needed it and he prescribed it without any tests) or simply using the legal capitalist way to take drugs in that eternal struggle to be thin? This same cousin states she will not be seen without high heels because she doesn’t want to be considered short. I wonder when being short became a faux pas. Then she lead a 30 minute discussion with our younger cousins, age ranging between 22 and 15, about what they can do to “get healthy” and lose weight.

The saddest part of this whole ordeal is my 15-year-old cousin. She made an entrance into the celebration all dressed up, wearing one of those fancy, puffy dresses they wear now and three inch heels. I know I struggled between telling her she looked beautiful, to make her feel secure in herself, and making comments on the horrors of high heels and feeling one has to dress up and wear “the right thing” in order to fit in and be accepted. She’s impressionable, and I want to help her learn to be comfortable in her own skin. Of course, I have no idea how to relate to a 15-year-old and struggle with my own self-esteem issues. Anyhow, the first words out of my grandmother’s mouth was “you look pregnant”. The alarm bells went off, because pregnant equals fat equals horror and death. The rest of the celebration my cousin made comments about how she eats, what she looks like, etc. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I’m not sure if she has unhealthy issues with her weight, to the point where it should be troubling, or if it’s just the level we’ve all come to regard as normal (which is terrifying in and of itself). Not only that, but I would really love to see her get to a point where she doesn’t have any issues at all. I’m not really sure what to do about the whole situation. I’m rather reserved as a whole, so it’s not like we’re close, and I’m just not sure if she would take anything I have to say seriously, especially when the rest of the world is talking over me. It’s hard enough as a teenager to go against one’s peers, but to go against the world seems impossible.

Overall, I am fairly proud of how I handled the comments about eating too much, or exercising, or being fat, or being lazy. I didn’t watch what I ate: if I wanted something, I partook. I didn’t call myself fat or say anything self-deprecating disguised as humor. When others were talking about weight and body image, I just kept quiet and mentally reminded myself of what I learned through Fat Acceptance. I think it also helped that my husband was there and I could always look over at him and know he was thinking the same thing about those comments and conversations. The next couple of days, I did struggle with feeling fat and thinking about dieting and just feeling wrong. I think I am perking up from that, and I am trying not to be too hard on myself for those feelings because after the onslaught it is only natural to expect some of those old emotions to rise up.

The Atheletic Body

The use of the word “athletic” in relation to body type is quite popular. When this word is used to describe a body the term usually implies the physique that is trim, muscular and tall. Usually the athletic frame is associated with runners or swimmers. However, the word is grossly misused. Now, if we look at the definition of the word athletic we find:

athletic |aθˈletik|
adjective
1 [ attrib. ] of or relating to athletes or athletics : athletic events | an athletic club.
2 physically strong, fit, and active : big, muscular, athletic boys.

Since the first definition points to athletes, I think the definition of that is important as well.

athlete |ˈaθˌlēt|
noun
a person who is proficient in sports and other forms of physical exercise.
• chiefly Brit. a person who is skilled in competitive track and field events (athletics).

It would read that to be considered athletic one should be “physically strong, fit, and active” and be “proficient in sports and other forms of physical exercise”. So it would reason that folks who do well in sports, any sport not just a chosen few, should be considered to have an athletic frame. Taking a gander at Wikipedia’s List of Sports there are categories which surpass this body stereotype. In fact, there are more sports which either do not require a specific body type, or require one that is different from the general idea of “athletic”, than there are ones which adhere to the standard. For instance, female gymnasts need to be very thin, short in stature, have very little in the way of curves, and be extremely muscular. However, shot put athletes need to throw a shot weighting 8.8 pounds (for women) or 16 pounds (for men) as far as possible, thus are usually extremely muscular all over. A similar body type as a body builder, though less girth.

It is both fascinating and disheartening, to me, that the world’s obsession (and by “the world” I mean mainly United States/Canada/UK) with the shape of the human body has become so diluted and misaligned that masses of people who are athletic are refused the title simple because of our connotations with fat and health. Truth be told, being muscular is still classified as being overweight. Let’s think about this. Take a 6′ tall male body builder. His weight is centered around 350 to 400 pounds. If this man was to list his height and weight only, people would immediately jump on the OMG YOU’RE UNHEALTHY AND UGLY AND HORRIBLE!!!!111!!elevenityfuckingone!!!1111 bandwagon. Now, if we add the element of him, then, detailing his body building, he would likely be cut some slack and flaunted over. However, this athlete would not be granted the description he deserves, athletic. After all, he is proficient in his sport, strong, and active.

Our society is so dreadful of the dreaded fat that we would rather strip pride from people than give acceptance and love. People are pressed into boxes with such vigor that anyone that doesn’t fit is outcast. This type of thing is why I’m not surprised when athletes use steroids and drugs to alter their performance. They’re already being stripped of the thing they have devoted their life to. They’re already being forced to fit into this standard. It’s an impossible quest, it’s shaming, and it’s built into our everyday language. It goes beyond just fat or obese, or anorexic skinny. It’s about nearly every person in the entire world, aside from a very select few, being told every single day they are not good enough, they will never be good enough, and they will never be accepted.

The Fat Monologue by Ampersand

Ampersand over at Alas, a Blog was kind enough to showcase his Fat Monologue art piece. So often the fatosphere is populated by females, it’s nice that folks like Ampersand and Paul (Big Fat Blog) make sure their voice is heard. It always concerns me that our male counterparts are often left aside and that many feel they don’t have a solid place within the community.

I actually have a blog post bubbling concerning men and their stereotypes and all the crap they’re given. I just haven’t been able to let the words flow.

A Look Into the Past (The Fat Kid)

Going through some of my childhood things, my grandmother ran across a school project I did in 1992. That would make me around nine years old. Some people may find things like this a treasure or comfort. It still breaks my heart to this very day. There are several things contained within this project, labeled “My Biography”, but I’ll stick with the ones that focus on body image and childhood neglect.

Within the first three pages of this project is a little questionnaire where we had to write about our favorite things and answer questions like “One of the best things about me” and “What is your favorite food”. The last question says “Twenty years from now I hope I” and I filled in “look like a model”. Another statement given was “If I could change one thing about myself, I would change” and I remarked with “my looks”. Another page poses the question “I wish my family would” and my nine-year-old response? Exercise more than we do. The next page reveals a cartoon person which, I assume, we kids were asked to fill in information about ourselves. Our likes, our looks, our goals, whatever came to mind. One of those things is “to lose weight” and another is “I act cool and dumb sometimes”, though the dumb sometimes it poorly erased.

It would seem with all I’ve learned concerning fat acceptance, and how the world feels they need to shame fat folks into being thin, and how everyone is filled with the notion that they should fit into some ideal beauty standard, seeing this type of thing in my past shouldn’t surprise me. Yet it does. I have cut out segments of my past, so the memories of these types of feelings aren’t vivid, but I can imagine. I picture my poor pudgy self feeling so isolated and alone, wishing only that someone would accept her, love her and find her beautiful. That poor little girl who tortures herself every time she eats, every time she meets someone new, every time she is called a name or messes up. A nine-year-old little girl with such low self-esteem and horrible body image that she is screaming out for someone to notice. No one did though. No one read this biography and told her she was beautiful, or smart, or wonderful. No one held her in their arms and promised everything would be okay.

This type of thing breaks my heart, and it angers me. I didn’t realize the “obesity plague” was so strong back then, though obviously it was, if not so well publicized. I can remember all my life my mother putting us all on one diet or another, discussing carb intake (I think she was ahead of time with that) and calories and how we should eat better. Of course, this was the same mother who taught me that “from scratch” meant from a box and fed me fast food at least four times a week. She always had a comment for fat people, and while never directly at me, it affected me. My father was much the same, while he didn’t worry about diets his constant objectification of a woman’s body (look at the tits on that one! I love a big ole butt! Your mother was built like a brick shithouse, that’s why I met her) told me loud and clear what I was worth.

Whenever some person or media outlet or doctor talks about shaming fat people into being thin, it makes me think back to this little girl. It makes me remember the deep sorrow and how those type of scars, while never seen, are even less likely to heal no matter how much time they’re given. I want to show the world this little girl, and every little girl like her, and ask them to sit down face-to-face with her and say they honestly believe that shame is needed. I want them to explain why she deserves to be mistreated, abused and beaten. I want to hear them justify the need to starve both her body and spirit. And then, then I want to puke in their mouths. I want to blacken their eyes and rip out their stone heart, in order to beat them over the head with it.

Yet I still can’t help but ask myself why. Why did these people not hear her shouts for help? Why did they not take notice of this girl, in her nine-year-old way, tell them she was miserable and hated herself. Why they didn’t read her essay about her family, specifically the way she described her mother (“She is 32 years old. She acts like she’s 50 years old. I told her that it’s not that bad.”), and think to themselves “My, there must be some problem here, perhaps we should extend a kind hand”. Of course, that would mean telling the fat, unruly kid that it’s not her fault she is the way she is. That would mean admitting to the fact that fat is not the worst thing in the world and she doesn’t have to completely change who she is to be someone worth something. That would mean telling a mother that starving their child one minute, and then letting them eat a super-sized Big Mac Meal and large Oreo Blizzard is probably not healthy for that child’s growth. That would mean accepting themselves for who they are, so that they could accept a nine-year-old child who reminds them of themselves.

Oregon University Studies the Effects of Milkshakes on Obesity

And because this is such riveting news the Oregonian felt the need to post the same article, with different titles, in the news and living section of the website.

Few foods stir brain cells like the chocolate milkshake.

“It’s the cocaine of food,” says Eric Stice, a senior scientist at Oregon Research Institute in Eugene. “It’s really good at firing up reward circuitry.”

Does this mean it’s genetically impossible to not like chocolate milkshakes? I mean, seriously. How can a legitimate scientist even make a connection between an addictive drug and a /food/. As if the title of these “articles” weren’t off-putting enough, the first two lines of the article throw the creditability of the study out the window.

Here’s where chocolate milkshakes enter the picture. Stice and colleagues at the University of Oregon and two other centers wanted to compare how the brain’s reward center responds to pleasing foods in obese and lean individuals. They needed something delicious that people could eat with a minimum of jaw movement to avoid blurring the brain scans. Volunteers, ranging in age from 14 to 22, were all female because the researchers recruited them from an ongoing study on eating disorders.

The group of volunteers in this study seem to be the worst choices. The participants are already dealing with eating disorders. So likely they are consumed with the shamed and hatred that comes with this disease. These women belittle themselves for every sip of milkshake which tastes good, they are plagued with thoughts of how many calories they are intaking and how horrible of a person they are if they enjoy anything food related. These women do not have positive body image, couldn’t that play into the response their brains are giving off? Do these women have any other diseases which may alter their brain chemistry like depression, anxiety, or faltering taste buds? What effect does puberty have on these women’s body chemistry and brain processes? Again, the study comes across as so flawed right out of the gate. No consideration was giving to these outside forces. It’s a simply fat=bad standpoint, with no real science taking place.

The taste of a milkshake stirred activity in the brains of overweight volunteers, but far less than in the brains of lean volunteers. Reward center activity was even more blunted in overweight volunteers who tested positive for a particular gene variation, called TaqIA A1, which seems to reduce brain dopamine receptors.

Researchers tracked weight for one year in some volunteers. Those with low brain activation in response to the milkshake who also had the gene variant were significantly more likely to pack on pounds.

I think it’s just precious how the /one/ gene related to /possible/ obesity is thrown in to give this study just a molecule of legitimacy. They’re not reaching, no, honestly, they’re not. And the gene which is possibly related to obesity coupled with the low response to milkshakes is the perfect evaluational explanation of why people are fat. Just like the formula for weight loss is watching calories, or wait, maybe it’s carbs, oh no, wait, carbs are okay, it’s calories. Really, calories are the culprit. And you need to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, wait no, three to four times a week, oh wait, no, in order to maintain thinness one needs to exercise three to four hours a day. Yes, that’s the ticket. And for those people who have no restraint WLS is the answer, we’ll just cut off a piece of your stomach. Oh, that causes complications, well, how about if we just bind it to let as little food into their system as possible? That’s the ticket, starve these people. That’ll keep them from being fat. Serves them right for not having any self-control to begin with.

He says research shows that the brains of obese people differ in other significant ways. In experiments requiring subjects to complete tasks to earn food rewards, obese people tend to work much harder than lean people, evidence of greater cravings. Brain imaging studies show that obese people experience greater expectation of reward than lean individuals. But Stice is convinced they don’t receive the emotional rewards experienced by people of normal weight.

“The big implication,” he says, “is if you can get people to improve diet quality, you may be able to prevent this reward system from unraveling.”

I hate to repeat myself, but I am just so flabbergasted that scientists can’t seem to ask these questions themselves when performing such experiments. Are these test subjects completely equal and healthy in order to have a fair comparison? No, as has been answered, these volunteers suffer from eating disorders. Are we surprised that the thin people, who have the unhealthy compulsion to starve themselves or binge after eating, work less rigorously to receive a food reward? No, we are not. They have spent considerable time training themselves to hate themselves, their desire to eat, and food as a whole. Us fatties are a whole different ballgame, neither one “better” or “worse”, and so of course the reaction to “food rewards” is going to be different. Speaking from my own perspective, I thrive to get any kind of rewards. That’s one thing that can happen when a person suffers severe neglect and abuse as a child. That doesn’t mean my eating is compulsive or uncontrollable. Another consideration is a person’s need for acceptance, which can be due to low self-esteem or self-worth, and is not exclusive to overweight or “lean”.

Another aspect of this study that bothers me is the idea that fat people only consume unhealthy foods. I know several fatties who eat well and don’t touch refined sugar, chemicals, HFCS, and other “unhealthy” foods. Yet, they are still fat. I also know incredibly thin people who gorge themselves on processed foods. They never exercise and hate anything deemed “healthy”, yet they are still thin. I wonder when scientists are going to catch onto this fact. To be some of the most educated people in our society, they sure do have a penance for publishing the most idiotic and poorly thought out studies I’ve ever seen. This study is akin to a study showing how smoking kills based on research of 70-80 year old men with cancer.

Gastric Bypass Surgery Isn’t a Cure

I am sure it’s no surprise to anyone here that I’m fat. I’ve been fat all my life and I probably will be fat all my life. I am slowly coming to terms with this, and learning to appreciate my body for what it is. I am learning to accept and embrace. Many of us Fatties have to face the world though, and even if we completely accept ourselves, we will always worry about getting eggs thrown in our face once the public is concerned. Despite the fact most of my family is overweight, they still make sure to talk to me about my weight whenever we’re together. Some of them, I know, do it because they have been brainwashed by the media and drug companies and ignorant doctors. Others do it just out of spite. The latter group I’ve learned to ignore, because they’re a bunch of racist, mysognist assholes anyway. The others though, hold a dear place in my heart. So it hurts when they pass judgment and tell me I’m not okay the way I am. I’ve had the conversation about gastric bypass surgery since I was 16 (and I only weighed between 200 and 250 then). With my weight reaching near the 400s, some of my family have really been hitting this issue. I actually tried to sit down with them and explain the harmful consequences of gastric bypass surgery, but they were having none of that. I stopped the conversation when my Aunt said “as I understand it, it teaches you how to eat”. I just couldn’t struggle through the ignorance anymore.

Now the population is being told that Why Gastric Bypass Surgery May Not Be The Answer. Those who have been in the fat acceptance movement for awhile have learned that there is no cure for fat. There is even folks who believe it isn’t even an illness. (While I am sure there is no cure, I’m not so sure about the illness factor just yet.) To everyone else though, I feel like this article is saying “Hey everyone! We know we’ve told you for years now that gastric bypass can help everyone! It’s the miracle everyone was looking for, despite the risk involved because we all know it’s better to be malnutrioned and even risk dying than it is to be fat. But, uh, maybe it won’t work for everyone now that we’ve been doing it for awhile.” Yes, and then some media source or doctor or drug company is coming to come up behind this and offer their interpretation of the facts. “Yes, yes. We’ve heard this information about how gastric bypass surgery doesn’t work for everyone. Very interesting indeed. It seems we don’t have conclusive information about which people this surgery doesn’t work for. Never worry, however! While we look into this and determine what the problem is, everyone should still have the surgery! Yes, indeed. The obesity epidemic is so very severe and it’s better to try this, with the hope of being one of the people it will work on, than not to try and be fat. It’s unhealthy afterall, and don’t you want to be beautiful and snag a husband?”

Yes, it’s wonderful people are stepping up to say that maybe they might have perhaps made a mistake and in reality they can’t prove that this surgery is a useful weightloss tool despite marketing and promoting it that way. I just get so frustrated because I see the aftermath pouring in. I see the little sleezeball marketing promoters sitting in their swanky officers, sipping 50 year old scotch and pinching their anorexic, ample bossomed secretary on the ass as they try to figure out how to turn this piece of news into something to fan the fires again the fear of obesity.

Being attracted to a Fattie…

is like being in a sexually suggestive position with a primate, and discovering a dismembered arm is handcuffed to your own. At least according to this gem on the YouTube scene:

YouTube was not the first place I’ve seen this video. It was sent to me as one of those forwarded joke e-mails (you know the ones, they’re mixed in with the chain letters and the I LOVE JESUS! and if you don’t forward this to 12 people in 10 seconds then you’ll burn in hell) from my closest family member. Of course, this family member is adamant they meant no harm with spreading this video of fat hate and was simply “joking” and I “shouldn’t be so sensitive”.

I have no idea why these three videos were put together. They obviously didn’t start out that way, the first (and the one demonstrating fat phobia) was a beer commercial from another culture. The other two being IBC root beer commercials. Obviously they really have nothing to do with each other. Yet someone, somewhere felt that they had a direct correlation to one another. Since, you know, waking up in a strange bed, in a strange place, handcuffed is perfectly fine until one finds out that they slept with a FAT PERSON!!!111!!!eleventy one!!!

I Want to Get Away

I just joined in the fat acceptance movement a couple of months ago. Well, I’m not sure I would officially declare my membership, since I’m still learning and do more reading then actual activist work, but I am definitely walking down that road. This means, however, that every day I have to wake up and prepare myself for a fight. Whether it’s battling against the self-hatred I’ve been conditioned with, the scorns of strangers I pass on the street, medical professionals if I am sick, or even family and friends who are “only trying to help and want me to be healthy and happy”.

Of course I’m no stranger to fighting the world. I faced years of abuse from my parents, I grew up in poverty, I have severe depression that keeps me from working, I deeply believe in freedom and adhere to the principle that people should mind their own fucking business when it comes to another’s life choices. I was brought up in a world that says everything about me is wrong. I do not fit in socially accepted gender roles, I do not want children, I wilt in a traditional education forum and the idea of being tied to a repetitive job every day kills my soul. These are the things I was told to expect out of life. This is where I come from. Mileage will vary for everyone, but I think there is a lot of common ground to create understanding. Knowing how different I was from what I was told life is makes me wonder how I ever managed to ascribe to the mentality that fat is wrong. That, essentially, one is better off being dead then being fat. Now that I am trying to be a part of the movement though, I wonder if it’s simply due to the fact that it was something I didn’t have to fight with everyone about.

If a doctor lectures me about my weight and health I can simply accept it and move on with what I’m doing. If my grandmother encourages me to have weight loss surgery, I can take to heart that she cares about me and file the comments away. I can handle my own self-hatred because it’s easy. It’s easier, to me, to just accept these stereotypes people have regarding my weight then to build another wall.

I really admire fat activists, hell, I admire any activist. They do things I could never imagine myself doing. They speak so poignantly and with such passion. It’s amazing and for a long time I thought that was the kind of person I would want to be. Always fighting for what’s right. Now I’m at a time in my life where I’m sick of fighting. I no longer want to build walls, or depend on the walls I already created, but instead want to focus on tearing them down. This feeling makes me feel like a traitor to the movement. Not only to other fatties or fat acceptance believers, but to women, folks who come from below the poverty line and those who suffer from mental illness. In actuality I feel like a traitor to everyone because I’m simply not strong enough to stand up and fight for those like me.

Despite my encouragement to friends and associates to be strong and love themselves and keep their chins up, when I lay in bed at night I still cry and pray to God to make me thin and beautiful. Sometimes when I’m home alone I look up WLS and see how much it would cost, how it will change my life. For many years I wouldn’t even consider WLS because of how barbaric it was. The diet one has to go on after the surgery is akin to an eating disorder, not to mention it’s another way doctors get to play God. Yet when I’m alone I daydream about having the surgery and being accepted again, knowing once I was thin I could walk out into the world and not have to constantly be on guard for malicious comments. Of course, in this perfect world I’ve created where I’m thin and beautiful, people don’t make mean comments. Thin women are never attacked or belittled or left feeling the world would be a better place if they dead. So you can see I’m completely rational during this time.

So I am a closeted self-hating fattie. I’m tired of fighting the world. I love the progress the fat acceptance movement is making, the fact there is actual research coming out that says fatties aren’t lazy, walking time bombs as a whole, but I’m not sure I am able to hang in there and be an FA soldier. Intellectually I know something is wrong with my thinking, as mentally beating one’s self up over the fact they aren’t disciplined enough to actually become anorexic is chalked with all sorts of warning bells, but that doesn’t change the fact every night I beg God to make me thin. It’s something I’ve done every night since I was 8 and my mother told me I couldn’t go to dance class anymore because the teacher thought I was too fat.

If I could just be thin it would be one less thing to worry about. It would be one less thing holding me back in life. If I could only be thin then I could let go of all the hurtful comments and the memories of being ostracized. If I could just be thin then people would no longer laugh in my face for being different and wanting to be successful in life, instead they would applaud my effort and give me a hand up. If only I could be thin…

36 Million Fatties Deemed Healthy

I am so excited about the new studies coming out in the media. One was on the front page of the Oregonian recently, and another “viewpoint” was also published on the Chicago Tribune. Kate Harding already wrote on the subject, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to spread the news around. Another feather in our hats ladies and gents.

Queen Latifah on Jenny Craig

I’ve always loved Queen Latifah. She was an ample lady with beauty, success, and confidence. Not only that, with her celebrity status, I thought for sure over the years we would see her yo-yo on the weight scale like most others. While I’ve never heard her speak out in support of her size, I’ve never heard her downplay it either. It was a non-issue for her, which I like. She took on the world and conquered it. Queen Latifah’s endorsement is what caused my loyalty to Cover Girl cosmetics.

So when I saw the Jenny Craig commerice where Queen Latifah discusses her 20 pound weight loss I was disappointed. One of the size positive role models in the celebrity world has succumb to the hype. The Queen Latifah Jenny Craig website even has a blog where the Queen discusses her weight loss venture. Of course, there are several mentions of how she loves her size, and she’s not doing this to be a thinner, only to be /more healthy/. The posts are a walking contradiction not unusual in the weight loss world.

Twelve is my new favorite number. And, no, I’m not talking about how many pounds I’ve lost so far. (Remember, some number on a scale is not what this journey is about for me – it’s about losing around 10% of my body weight to live a healthier, longer life.)

While it sounds good (and I admit she almost had me convinced), the truth is that is /is/ about a number on a scale. The medical industry, and the media, has consistently pushed that X pounds or X percentage of fat is healthy for every individual when that’s just not the case. I wish I could send Queen Latifah some information on HAES and help her wipe away the brainwashing of our society. Take a gander at any of the links under the HAES section on this website. Check out Kate Harding’s project on the BMI index, or the don’t you realize fat is unhealthy information.

This kind of brainwashing is why sites like First, do no harm exist. Fat is seen as the enemy, and anyone who is not killing themselves to keep it away isn’t worthy of even existing.