Margaret Cho, Misogyny and Feminism

So Margaret Cho is catching a lot of flack for her post concerning Sarah Pallin. Now, let me go ahead and say that yes, this post is misogynous. Yes, Margaret Cho was crude and crass and unladylike, and yes, in addition to being a smart, independent, successful women who happens to be a mother (and completely fucking ridiculous in her beliefs) Pallin is also incredibly attractive. I doubt I would do dirty things to her, because her personality totally turns me off, but I get where everyone is coming from.

I would also like to say that yes, it pisses me off when the only thing people have to talk about concerning Pallin is how she looks. I was watching the Letterman show yesterday (ya know, when he was pissed McCain bailed on him and so he had to lash out at our Republican candidate any way possible) and his music guy (why are they letting this guy talk anyway?) was all like “yeah, Sarah Pallin is hot. har har har”. It’s ridiculous and offensive and worst of all, it’s unoriginal and unintelligent.

However, in this case, it’s MARGARET FUCKING CHO yo. She has made her living off being a female shock jock if you will. She talks about being a lesbian, pussy, orgasms, sex, gay men, lube and any other sexually driven taboos the Western world knows (maybe even the Eastern when she takes it home). This is what she does. It’s not always intelligent comedy like George Carlin, but it is meant to shock, appall and make one think. I don’t agree with what Margaret Cho says, but I wasn’t surprised by it or disappointed. She’s doing her thing in a way only Cho knows how. Thus I say this Miss Cho:

Rock it, girl. Do your thang. Make your point and be true to yourself. Don’t backtrack just because a couple of people call you names and disagree. I mean, come on girl, isn’t that the whole point of what you’re doing? Aren’t you all about being outrageous and fabulous? And did you seriously do the whole “well she did it first and it’s /worse/ than what I said!” thing? Really? Margaret! You’re so much better than that. I think this response would definitely result in a “we don’t speak English” from your parents.

Reclaiming Bitch

Etmonline.com defines the origin of the word Bitch.

O.E. bicce, probably from O.N. bikkjuna “female of the dog” (also fox, wolf, and occasionally other beasts), of unknown origin. Grimm derives the O.N. word from Lapp pittja, but OED notes that “the converse is equally possible.” As a term of contempt applied to women, it dates from c.1400; of a man, c.1500, playfully, in the sense of “dog.” In modern (1990s, originally black English) slang, its use with ref. to a man is sexually contemptuous, from the “woman” insult.

“BITCH. A she dog, or doggess; the most offensive appellation that can be given to an English woman, even more provoking than that of whore.” ["Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue," 1811]

The adj. bitchy “bad-tempered” (usually of females) is first attested 1925. The verb meaning “to complain” is at least from 1930, perhaps from the sense in bitchy, perhaps influenced by the verb meaning “to bungle, spoil,” which is recorded from 1823. But bitched in this sense seems to echo M.E. bicched “cursed, bad,” a general term of opprobrium (e.g. Chaucer’s bicched bones “(unlucky) dice”), which despite the hesitation of OED, seems certainly to be a derivative of bitch. And cf. the mid-19th century U.S. blackface minstrel song verse about women’s rights movement:

When woman’s rights is stirred a bit
De first reform she bitches on
Is how she can wid least delay
Just draw a pair ob britches on.

Insult son of a bitch is O.N. bikkju-sonr. Slang bitchen “good” is first attested 1950s. Bitch-goddess coined 1906 by William James; the original one was success.

Reading this, I am flabbergasted why any woman would want to be defined or referred to in this manner. As a term of contempt applied to women, it dates from c.1400; of a man, c.1500, playfully, in the sense of “dog.” Playfully? Really? Folks, you have to be kidding here. Really.

I get it. I get the whole reclaiming a word, trying to turn it into something which does not scald one to the very bone. I get the intellectual ideology behind this. Yet, I find myself asking Why the fuck would anyone want to reclaim such a word?

I say we should ignore its very existence. When someone uses that word in a derogatory manner, we should regard them in the very same way we would someone speaking another language. Instead of letting it affect us, instead of trying to reclaim it, why do we even acknowledge it? When so much of the world is built to oppress us right out of the gate, when we are conditioned to hate our bodies and to take as little space as possible, when the only acceptable way to be a woman is to be timid and fragile and quit, I get why we want to recondition ourselves to be strong. I get that we woman want to let the world know that strength is not a male attribute, that we can be powerful and bold and in-your-face. By using the word bitch to define one’s womanhood, I understand that they are trying to associate the word bitch with independence, choice, ambition. We were labeled with this word by the men of our past, without choice or agreement, and now we are trying to correct them, to reaffirm our place in the world.

I say fuck that. Since we were not given the right to decide whether we wanted it, or what definition and affiliations were given the word, why even give it credit? It is not a descriptive word where the definition was there before it was misaligned and misused. It is not like the word fat, or beautiful, or funny, or smart. These words have a definition which was put in place and only the reaction to the word is different as one’s culture changes. Instead bitch has always been an insult to the female. The negativity of it has never changed.

So that is why when a woman uses it to describe herself my heart weeps. I see blogs where women actually only refer to themselves using on this word. “This bitch” did this and “When I was a little bitch” and so on and so forth. When I see this, I struggle between AAAAAAAAAA! and wrapping them protectively in my arms before whisking them off for deprogramming. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we say we’re fighting the good fight, to be our own people, to live our lives the way we want to and yet still apply the same labels and thoughts and standards?

It just doesn’t make any sense. So next time someone uses this word to describe someone, just give them a blank stare. Next time the word bitch is spat in your direction, respond simply with “English Motherfucker, do you speak it?” Eliminate such filth from your vocabulary, from your memory, and from your future.

{Note: I have mulled over this post for quite a number of days. I’m not entirely happy with the way it came out, yet it is a notion I wish to express. So I am publishing this and welcome all feedback and I hope my words come across more cohesively to you than they do to me.}

Four Reasons PETA Will Not Get My Support

I am glad that there are animal rights activists. I believe strongly in protecting animals and trying to live harmonously with them. With PETA in particular, I feel the good they do is far outweighed by the bad. I believe the inconsistencies within their policies demonstrates ignorance, and I believe they perpetuate the objectification of woman.

4.Outdoor Cats: PETA does not believe in letting cats outdoors because of the increased risk of danager. I do agree with keeping pets inside and safe. We’re charged with their protection. They also support letting one’s cat outdoors with supervision. One of the other “uncompromised” stances of PETA, however, is their views on Zoos. PETA believes that “zoos and wildlife parks preclude or severly restrict natural behaviors, such as flying, swimming, running, hunting, climbing, scavenging, foraging, exploring and partner selection”. If this is the case, why are cats encouraged to be kept indoors and only let out under supervision? Cats are wild animals who were domesticated, and yet PETA does not want them to take part in their instintual activities. Yes, there is danger, but that danger is part of being an animal. Humans do offer an added level, but animals are incredibly adaptable. If PETA is going to be the voice of animals, shouldn’t they be consistent in what they’re fighting for?

3. Pit Bull Breeding: PETA’s website does not have a real stance on this. They speak about how the founding member, Ingrid Newkirk, has all these credentials but never do they give support for or against Pit Bulls. There is a generalized statement that all breeders are bad, and how the Pit Bull population by large is mistreated. The wording of this PETA stance implies that PETA supports this ban. I have to question why PETA is not supporting this breed of animal and its right to a happy life. PETA stands for the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. This does not mean “some” animals or “from this approved list”, it means all animals. Yet there is no PETA support behind this misunderstood breed. There is no mention of the positive aspects of a Pit Bull, nor is there any attention brought to the fact that larger breed injuries are more likely to get noticed because the animal is stronger and bigger, not more aggressive, than the smaller breeds. An aggressive chihuahua which bites people (most often referred to as “nip”) isn’t regarded as a threat because this breed is less likely to draw blood or bring serious damage.

2. Euthanasia: PETA believes that euthanasia is “the most compassionate and dignified way for unwanted animals to leave an uncaring world” and that “no-kill shelters do not provide a solution to the problem of animal-companion homelessness”. I understand that the United States is overrun with homeless animals. This fact is heartbreaking and frustrating. However, to believe that killing off “unwanted animals” is an acceptable response to this is unacceptable. I especially don’t understand how a organization which rigidly supports animal rights such as not using them for entertainment, clothing, a food source, etc., could have an “uncompromised” stance that killing animals simply because they’re unwanted is okay.

1. Campaigns: PETA has a history of being sexist, racist, and violent.  The PETA YouTube
page shows video ad campaigns and celebrity endorsements. In one video, breed purity for animals was compared to the KKK. In the way of sexism, while PETA has showcased naked men (I can’t find any links, but I’ve heard things), they have a much higher percentage of using naked woman. One live protest has a topless woman caged in the streets, while another ad show a woman’s pussy with “too much” fur and how wrong it is. PETA openly admits they will use any tactic necessary to bring attention to animal rights. They also believe that liberation is directly related to the amount of clothing a woman wears. When questioned about this, their response was:

First, please know that, as an organization staffed largely by feminist women, we would not do something that contributed to the serious problems that women face. We feel that there is nothing shameful or “wrong” about being naked, and we believe that women (and men) should have the choice to use their own bodies to make social statements. This tactic has been used since at least the 11th century, when Lady Godiva rode naked on a horse to protest taxes on the poor. Far from being exploited, our “naked” demonstrators and billboard models choose to participate in our actions because they want to do something to make people stop and pay attention to animal abuse.

Take Traci Bingham, for example, who posed for our “All Animals Have the Same Parts” ad campaign (http://www.GoVeg.com/feat/tracibee/). She is a deeply committed vegetarian who is known to millions for her television work, such as beating out a platoon of men to excel in an endurance test called Boot Camp. She chose to use her body to bring public attention to a serious animal issue. In this case, Ms. Bingham felt offended by the traditional “meat” posters that treat animals as “parts” and she wanted to make the point that neither they nor women should be viewed as parts; we are all precious.

Consider that it is the societies that allow women to wear revealing clothing in which women have the most rights and the most power. Likewise, it is the societies that punish women for wearing revealing clothing in which women have the fewest rights and the least power they are considered chattel who must do as they are told. Should women only be allowed to participate in activism if they promise not to show their bodies or use them to make social statements? If a person chooses to use her physicality and sexuality to convey a message of her choosing, aren’t those who would censor her, even if their motives are well-intended, also somewhat guilty of disrespect and repression?

Although our use of “nudity” is attention-grabbing, we don’t rely on it for the majority of our outreach, nor do we use it gratuitously; it is intended to underscore our message, whether it is “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” to emphasize the health benefits of a vegetarian diet, or to show the vulnerability of animals in laboratories or circuses. We would also like to note that we do not feature only women in our more provocative ads; please see the following examples:

1· http://www.FurIsDead.com/feat-rodman2.asp
2· http://www.PETA.org/feat/jennaethan/
3· http://www.FurIsDead.com/feat-kristoff.asp

As if the ignorance was not clear enough, PETA has now resorted to using women stripping in order to “spread their message”. I support a woman’s right to autonomy. I also support educating women on where their sense of liberation comes from, and why perpetuating the ideal that a woman’s body is the only way to gain power, pride, acceptance, or attention.

Gastric Bypass Surgery Isn’t a Cure

I am sure it’s no surprise to anyone here that I’m fat. I’ve been fat all my life and I probably will be fat all my life. I am slowly coming to terms with this, and learning to appreciate my body for what it is. I am learning to accept and embrace. Many of us Fatties have to face the world though, and even if we completely accept ourselves, we will always worry about getting eggs thrown in our face once the public is concerned. Despite the fact most of my family is overweight, they still make sure to talk to me about my weight whenever we’re together. Some of them, I know, do it because they have been brainwashed by the media and drug companies and ignorant doctors. Others do it just out of spite. The latter group I’ve learned to ignore, because they’re a bunch of racist, mysognist assholes anyway. The others though, hold a dear place in my heart. So it hurts when they pass judgment and tell me I’m not okay the way I am. I’ve had the conversation about gastric bypass surgery since I was 16 (and I only weighed between 200 and 250 then). With my weight reaching near the 400s, some of my family have really been hitting this issue. I actually tried to sit down with them and explain the harmful consequences of gastric bypass surgery, but they were having none of that. I stopped the conversation when my Aunt said “as I understand it, it teaches you how to eat”. I just couldn’t struggle through the ignorance anymore.

Now the population is being told that Why Gastric Bypass Surgery May Not Be The Answer. Those who have been in the fat acceptance movement for awhile have learned that there is no cure for fat. There is even folks who believe it isn’t even an illness. (While I am sure there is no cure, I’m not so sure about the illness factor just yet.) To everyone else though, I feel like this article is saying “Hey everyone! We know we’ve told you for years now that gastric bypass can help everyone! It’s the miracle everyone was looking for, despite the risk involved because we all know it’s better to be malnutrioned and even risk dying than it is to be fat. But, uh, maybe it won’t work for everyone now that we’ve been doing it for awhile.” Yes, and then some media source or doctor or drug company is coming to come up behind this and offer their interpretation of the facts. “Yes, yes. We’ve heard this information about how gastric bypass surgery doesn’t work for everyone. Very interesting indeed. It seems we don’t have conclusive information about which people this surgery doesn’t work for. Never worry, however! While we look into this and determine what the problem is, everyone should still have the surgery! Yes, indeed. The obesity epidemic is so very severe and it’s better to try this, with the hope of being one of the people it will work on, than not to try and be fat. It’s unhealthy afterall, and don’t you want to be beautiful and snag a husband?”

Yes, it’s wonderful people are stepping up to say that maybe they might have perhaps made a mistake and in reality they can’t prove that this surgery is a useful weightloss tool despite marketing and promoting it that way. I just get so frustrated because I see the aftermath pouring in. I see the little sleezeball marketing promoters sitting in their swanky officers, sipping 50 year old scotch and pinching their anorexic, ample bossomed secretary on the ass as they try to figure out how to turn this piece of news into something to fan the fires again the fear of obesity.

Feminism, Priviledge, Race, and Other Stuff

I am Jewish. My people were ostracized, murdered, raped, beaten, enslaved, starved, branded, insulted, and completely out of control. My people still are murdered, raped, beaten, branded, insulted, discriminated against and they still have little control. In America, we are still without the ability to worship as we wish and not be made to feel ashamed. Jewish slangs still run wild, statements of a false messiah still shoved in our faces with “In G-d We Trust” on the currency we’re forced to use, a court system which requires us to swear on The New Testament to show our truthfulness, and the inability to wear our religious symbol, the Star of David, without being called heretics or witches. It is not okay to be Jewish in this society.

I am Native American. My people were enslaved, beaten, raped, murdered, starved, insulted, ostracized. They were forced off their lands and made to conform to the ideology of the settlers. They were stripped of their religion, clothing, education, social structure, and in essence, everything and forced to conform to ideals which they didn’t believe in. In America, we still are without these basic rights packaged into the “American Dream”. We live on reservations, and are “given” land out of the goodness of the government in which we can “be free” as we were all those years before the settlers came.

I am Fat. My people are insulted, beaten, raped, ostracized, and publicly ridiculed. We are lab rats where scientists strive to medically “fix” us, and shame into hating our very existence. We mutilate, torture, starve, neglect, and otherwise abuse ourselves, even when our captures stop, because we are told that we are wrong. We go out into the world every day and know people cross the street to avoid being around us, that women rush home to vomit what they’ve eaten because the idea of being us is terrifying, and that we are considered diseased.

I am a Woman. My people are insulted, beaten, raped, ostracized, regulated, enslaved, branded, starved, and have little to no autonomy. We have been subjected to this for ages. We have no say so over what goes into our body, nor what comes out. We are schooled to believe we cannot exist without a male counterpart, and that if we dare try to go against this education then we deserve whatever happens to us. We are ignored by the medical community, and any illness that just happens to pop up is considered due to hysteria, lack of childbirth, lack of marriage, lack of make-up, lack of hairspray, lack of femininity.

I am a Human Without Sexual Orientation. I am not attracted to a specific gender or sexual reproductive organs, I fall in love based on the soul attached to the body. My people are ignored at whatever lengths are necessary. If, by chance, we force attention upon ourselves then we are beaten, raped, murdered, insulted, and pushed back into the shadows with every fiber that people can muster. We cannot share intimate gestures with our partners, unless our couplehood can be seen as heterosexual in nature. Our lovers cannot match their bodies to their souls without being questioned, regulated, violated, governed and “allowed”. We cannot be who we are without being put under a microscope, studied, prodded, and analyzed.

I am Poor. I live below the poverty line. My mother and father do, my grandparents do, and my entire family line does. My people are ridiculed and punished. We are unable to find the stability to know when our next meal will come, if we will have water to bathe our children before school or to groom before finding a job. We are unable to get help without being made to feel as though we are lazy, worthless, and a drain on society. We are accused of using our children to weasel money out of “good citizens” when we simply cannot afford birth control or do not believe in it. We are uneducated and cannot keep up with the rising demand of degrees in the job market, and therefore are left without adequate pay to support ourselves and our families. We sometimes have no homes and are forced to rely on the kindness of strangers, when those strangers are taught to hate and fear us. We are pitied instead of helped, and ignored instead of understood.

I am also White. This racial identity cancels out the other elements of who I am. I am simply White. At least, that is a lot of what I am hearing from folks. Despite the fact I come from a long line of persecution, suffering, and minorities, I am still White. I am told that I should seek absolution every day for the things my ignorant, hateful, and wrong ancestors did and the things people of my race still do. I am told to be ashamed of my race, because we are granted privilege and freedoms. I am told I will never understand what it is like to be judged based on the color of my skin, and I will never know hardship or misfortune. I am told that everyone is colored by their individual privileges but mine is the worst of all, simply because I was born the way I was.

I am not denying that my race has privilege. America was built on the White ideal. I am not denying that I will never understand what it’s like to be a WOC (Woman of Color). I am not denying that some fucked up shit happened due to some fucked up white people, and I’m not denying that our world is still fucked up.

I am denying being ashamed. I will not be ashamed of my race. I will not spend every day making absolution for the things my forefathers and current fathers (and mothers, and brothers, and sisters and folks I would never want to be related to me in any way) do. I will not feel less simply because someone who has similar characteristics to me does things I do not agree with. I will stand with my fist raised to fight against any wrongdoings I see. I will stand with my White sisters as they fight to put down the apron, be equally compensated for their work, live a life where they are free to be unmarried and/or without child. I will stand with my Black sisters as they fight to live in a neighborhood without violence, to rally against the beauty ideals set down by their oppressors (as if white women have a hard time conforming then black woman aren’t even given a chance), to become educated and accepted in the professional world, and to gain every right that a White person has. I will stand with my Latin sisters and Chinese sisters and Russian sisters. I will stand with my Men who fight to be able to show emotion other than anger and power, who want to wear dresses or “feminine” colors, or want to raise children.

I will stand and I will fight.

So please, stop telling me I should be ashamed of who I am. Stop telling me I do not want “you” in my fight and that I do not include you in what I’m fighting for. Please stop making accusations about who I am and what I am about without knowing me. Please stop grouping me into a stereotype. I understand when you say “white” you really mean “Middle Class White” or even “Middle Class White Man”. I understand you are angry and frustrated. I understand that you are wronged and feel left out. Instead of lashing out at me, insulting, persecuting, please embrace me and let me embrace you. Please join hands with me and fight with me against my oppression and allow me to fight with you against yours. Please remind me of my ignorance when it happens to flare, and let me remind you that suffering is not exclusive to race, religion, gender, or ability.

I will fight with you, I will fight for you. I will listen to your hurt and shame and fury. I will be there for you and I will do whatever I can to become educated, to self-realize, and to alter my thinking process, actions, or misstep if needed. I promise to celebrate you, if we can celebrate our differences.

Just please, stop hurling accusations at me for things I do not do, for things I cannot control, and for people I do not associate with. Please stop believing we are all the same, and that our intention is to misuse, misunderstand and ignore you.

The Age Old Argument of Making Marijuana Legal

I found this nifty article on Alternet about projected money the government could make if it would just legalize the herb, treat it like a crop, and tax it. After all these years, I still don’t understand why canibus as the horrible reputation it does. I know one of the arguments against legalization is that the government wouldn’t be able to regulate it, therefore the tax wouldn’t mean anything, since people could just grow their own. However, thinking about that, I don’t really think that would be an issue. I mean, look at the market of produce. People have the option to grow their own veggies, especially in the current time when self-sustaining and eco-friendly options are really pushed. Yet, I haven’t heard anything about how the profit from food has fallen.

Of course, I’ll never understand why booze is legal but pot isn’t.

Being attracted to a Fattie…

is like being in a sexually suggestive position with a primate, and discovering a dismembered arm is handcuffed to your own. At least according to this gem on the YouTube scene:

YouTube was not the first place I’ve seen this video. It was sent to me as one of those forwarded joke e-mails (you know the ones, they’re mixed in with the chain letters and the I LOVE JESUS! and if you don’t forward this to 12 people in 10 seconds then you’ll burn in hell) from my closest family member. Of course, this family member is adamant they meant no harm with spreading this video of fat hate and was simply “joking” and I “shouldn’t be so sensitive”.

I have no idea why these three videos were put together. They obviously didn’t start out that way, the first (and the one demonstrating fat phobia) was a beer commercial from another culture. The other two being IBC root beer commercials. Obviously they really have nothing to do with each other. Yet someone, somewhere felt that they had a direct correlation to one another. Since, you know, waking up in a strange bed, in a strange place, handcuffed is perfectly fine until one finds out that they slept with a FAT PERSON!!!111!!!eleventy one!!!

Disciplining Children

A very interesting post was made by Womanist Musings that I wanted to share here. I have also been a victim of child abuse, and my parent’s answer to anything was violence. I’ve seen more domestic violence in my life than I would ever wish on another being. I also agree that spanking and such violent disciplines do nothing with educating the child. I actually agree 100% with everything said in that blog post.

Nonetheless it got me thinking. While my grandmother doesn’t believe in violent discipline, we were always taught growing up that when a child is very young sometimes you have to show them their violence hurts, because they don’t have the cognitive ability to understand yet. This would be a period of time when the child is 5 years of age or younger. For instance, when a toddler bites another, then the parent/caretaker has to therefore bite the toddler to show them it hurts. Of course, it wouldn’t be in the same hard way. My grandmother describes it as doing it just enough, demonstrated by when the child responds by, say, opening their mouth as if to say “ow” or scrunches their brow, to let the child feel what they are doing. This makes sense to me in a lot of ways, but it also brings up other questions.

Now, I am child-free and have no desire to have them, but the constant demand of society for me, as a woman, to have children definitely makes me think about my skills and reactions if I were to become a parent. I am told that children do not react violently by themselves, it’s a learned reaction. However, I also have my doubts that a toddler has the ability to process such things. Therefore, for this post, I am assuming that a toddler reacts violently in situations, not due to having a learned behavior, but because it is an primal response before they learn how to use their words to communicate what they are feeling. So now the situation becomes that a parent or parents who do not believe in violence have a toddler which is reacting to being angry, upset, hurt by biting/kicking/smacking/etc. What is the proper way of teaching this toddler that violence is unacceptable? Is my Grandmother’s method a good way? Or does it perpetuate the violence? Since a toddler lacks the cognitive abilities to be able to understand the reasoning behind not doing these actions, and the benefits of using words (if they can even speak at this time), what else is left?

I am not attributing my Grandmother’s methods with child abuse, but it is an act of violence. It seems like this instance is of two wrongs, but I can’t put my finger on what the right is.

Invisible Diseases

Mental health is still a taboo subject in Western culture. Even though it is getting more coverage and gaining acceptance, those suffering from mental illness wake up every day preparing to fight. In cultures where it’s acceptable to question other people’s actions, opinions, and choices, as well as dictate how one can live their life, mental health is widely misunderstood. My therapist refers to depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses as “invisible diseases”. What one cannot see, they do not believe or understand. I’m not sure how the association escaped me for so many years, especially when the existence of God and the paranormal are so often brushed aside. I have never been so aware of the lack of understanding from people concerning my mental health until recently.

I have never been very active in the world. Most of my isolation was due to childhood abuse and socio-economic conditions. Now that I am married, and attempting to be out in the world, I lack a lot of the basic abilities most people enjoy. People terrify me, some days I am unable to get out of bed, I need a lot of down time to recoup from social outings, and I am so absorbed in my own head during most interactions that I spend most of my time alone, frustrated and confused. Thus, work is near impossible. Employers don’t look well upon people who call in several times a week, who break down into tears for no reason, and who don’t participate in office politics. So I am unemployed. Yet, nearly every day someone presents me with a new solution on how to get a job. Whether it be a new institute that is hiring, a suggestion of “just do it and you’ll feel better”, or questioning whether I want to be a “kept woman”, the consensus is that folks just don’t get it.

Thinking on this issue, as I tend to do a lot, I have realized that the separation I feel from society is largely due to my “invisible diseases” and people’s lack of understanding. I was abused and neglected as a child. It wasn’t until I started with my current therapist, at the age of 24, that I realized I was a victim of child abuse. She had said it in such a matter-of-fact manner, without judgment or uncertainty, I was stunned. At first I wanted to correct her, explain that while I had watched my parents fight and hurt one another they had never done so to me. I was never hit (aside from spankings, which were perhaps overly done during times due to young parent frustrations, that were all the rage when I was being brought up) or locked in dark closets when I was bad. I was never forced to drink soap or had a bone broken. Instead my spirit and heart were tormented.

Every day I was reminded that I would never be loved unconditionally, that I caused more problems then I was worth, that I would never amount to anything, and that I would never be able to do anything right. When these messages weren’t being drilled into my psyche, I might as well have not existed. I was not allowed to leave the house, or have outside activities. I quickly lost every friend I gained because my parents didn’t approve. My school participation was regarded without care, and no extracurriculars were allowed for numerous reason: we didn’t have money, I was too fat, I had no talent, I wasn’t attractive or friendly, I didn’t possess the right skills and I was able to learn, I didn’t make my parents believe I wanted it enough or I had forgotten to clean my room earlier in the week. It didn’t matter the reason really, the result was a life indoors with only the television for company.

I realize, now, that this is abuse. I spent years feeling I was simply crazy. There was something wrong with me. I couldn’t function in society because I was mentally insane, and therefore I was useless and deserved to die. I was not worth the air that I breathe. After all, my life wasn’t bad. I didn’t get abused (which in my mind constituted physical or sexual), I had food, I got to watch TV whenever I wanted, both of my parents were still around. Yes, I had watched the extensive domestic violence within my household for several years, but there are others who have seen so much, why then wasn’t I able to get past it? Insanity, pure and simple. Children are often given seminars about abuse, but these seminars focus on the sexual and physical side. The symptoms of mental and emotional abuse are never really addressed. Even teachers, doctors, social workers are taught in a way to focus on the sexual and physical side. Someone like me, who was abused in a very minority way, is left undetected and without help.

The realization that I am not crazy and I was abused is astonishing. I have hope for the first time in as long as I can remember. I feel like I can beat this thing. I was abused and now, with the right treatment, I will return as a functioning member of society. I no longer believe that I am unworthy, just that I lived in a world that taught me that I was, and slowly, but surely, I will start to see the truth beneath all the lies. Abuse of this caliber is just as crippling as physical or sexual, only people cannot use their eyes to see our scars. Instead, most of the time we suffer alone taking the responsibility and blame onto ourselves. We do not see someone who has risen from adversity or survived, but only someone who is wrong, shameful, and worthless. Not only do the people we encounter not understand our disease, we do not understand it. If one were in full body case, then others would not expect them to “do it anyway” if it hurt. One would not be told they are faking it, or to get over the anguish. The injured would be given understanding, acceptance, and plenty of time to heal. Those of us with “invisible diseases” have to remember that we are deserving of the same. Just because we cannot see the barriers, and others do not understand, does not mean we need or deserve anything less.